Friday 8 January 2021

G R U N T E R

(this piece was originally published in Dem Blades Fanzine)

Has anyone got David Attenborough's number? I've thought long & hard about the Blades, Owls, You're a Pig, No you are - Sheffield football rivalry. I'm convincing myself I've uncovered a new science. Not exactly a new species, but something not seen anywhere else in the plant & animal kingdom. Let me explain.


The 19th Century German botanist Heinrich Anton de Bary wrote Die Erscheinung der Symbiose - about "the living together of unlike organisms". Now, at face value, that EXACTLY describes the Blades/Owls environment in Sheffield. Two species, obviously living side by side in the same city, but very unlike. It's only when you look at the thing in more detail that it unravels. Generally, in symbiotic relationships one (or both) species benefits from the interaction with the other. But, my fieldwork with Blades fans clearly shows that they DON'T interact with The Owls. Ever. At all. So, I'm left wondering whether the Sheffield football rivalry can really be called symbiotic.

In Mutualistic Symbiotic relationships, species live side by side - and each benefits. Bees feed on pollen from flowers. The bees get their bellies full. And the flowers flourish as the pollen is spread.

Commensalism Symbiosis is a relationship between species living side by side, where one benefits, but the other is neither harmed nor helped. Spiders build their webs on plants so they can catch flies to eat. The plant doesn’t get anything out of it, but it doesn't give two fucks either.

Symbiotic Parasitism is a relationship between species living side by side, where one lives on the other. The parasite gets to eat. But, the host is harmed. A mosquito bites you to eat your blood. And, if your number is up, you’ll die of malaria.

The key point in those descriptions is that the species have to interact with one another. They have to eat the pollen, build the web, suck the blood. In Sheffield, football fans claim NEVER to interact - despite living side by side. It's almost the opposite of Symbiotic.

Which brings us to the American biologist Eugene Pleasants Odum (nice middle name fella). In 1953, he wrote “The Fundamentals Of Ecology”. Odum described Non Symbiotic Mutualism, terming it Neutralism. - two different species functioning in very close association, neither affecting the other, adversely or beneficially. They live cheek by jowl, but as far as they are concerned, the other species might as well not exist.  Robins and squirrels may live on the same tree, but neither serves as food for the other nor do they have any direct interaction. It's worth turning now to just three examples from the many interviews I have conducted as part of my fieldwork.

First up, it's Harvey from Heeley. Harvey self identifies as a Sheffield United supporter, a Blade.

“Harvey, I’m interested in the circle of people who you know. You have lived & worked in Sheffield all your life I understand. Do you know any Sheffield Wednesday supporters?”
“Pigs? Do I fuck”
“But, you work for quite a large organisation, right here in Sheffield. I presume some Sheffield Wednesday supporters must work there?”
“Pigs? No chance”
“Right. But, you went to a local school down the hill. Can we assume some Sheffield Wednesday supporters went to that school at the same time as you?”
“Pigs? No way”
“You’ll be aware that when you go into a pub in town some of the people in there, simply by the law of averages, will be Sheffield Wednesday supporters, and you’ll be stood next to them at the bar”
“Look, I’m telling you, I don’t know any Pigs, if you say I do one more time, I’ll find your address, publish it on Twitter & get people to send Pizzas round to your house.”
“Interview terminated at one forty five…..”

Next up. Terry from Tinsley. Believes himself to be a Blade For Life.

“Terry, how would you describe your feelings about Sheffield Wednesday & your rivalry with them?”
“The Snortbeasts?. I love watching us beat them. And then going to work in the morning. And being able to gloat & stick it to them”
“I see. What sort of things would you say to them as you gloat?”
“The Snortbeasts? Say to them? Why would I even speak to one of ‘em?”
“But, surely if you're gloating, you have to look them in the eye & say something?”
“The Snortbeasts? I don't know any, so how am I going to ever speak to one? I just gloat.”
“Maybe you just stick two fingers up at them. Or make the wanker sign when you bump into them?
“Shut up now. I'm never with any Snortbeasts. Banter. Gloating. You know. On Facebook an’ that. If you write in your book that I know any Snortbeasts I'll put on the internet that it's you who is the Pig, not me”
“Interview terminated at three fifteen”

Finally, Jake from Jordanthorpe. Jake says he is a Top Lad in the successor to the Blades Business Crew, the BBC Three Online Content Generation Firm. He tells me he is sworn to secrecy & can't explain what that actually means. It's clear Jake inhabits a younger & darker side of the rivalry. I've done my best to transcribe his words exactly. But, as he insisted on wearing a Burberry Scarf across his face in the interview, that has been a little difficult. He is wearing an enamel badge which says “Congratulations You Have Just Been Downloaded By The BBC Three Online Content Generation Firm”

“Jake, I'd like to know a little more about the violent, confrontational side to the rivalry with Sheffield Wednesday”
“The Oinkers? We run their firm all over Sheffield. Batter them every time”
“Isn't the danger that ordinary, innocent Owls fans may get caught up in that & hurt? You know Scarfers & Christmas Trees?”
“Oinker Scarfers? We've got no beef with them. We know the Oinker Firm & it's them we hunt down. Find 'em, waste 'em.”
“Oh. I see. So, you know them. You know who they are. Where they drink. How did you find that out?”
“The Oinkers? I've never had owt to do with ‘em. Every time I see one, I grab hold of him & give him a slap. They're unclean. If you say that I've so much as even touched one, well…..”
“Interview terminated as Jake has turned the table over, stared at me & silently drawn an imaginary knife across his throat’

So. There we have it. Clear evidence from Harvey, Terry & Jake. They need Sheffield Wednesday to exist in order to have an identity themselves. Sheffield Wednesday are central to these three Blades & how they see the world. They do, clearly live cheek by jowl with Owls fans. But they vigorously & implausibly deny ANY sort of interaction with them.

These beliefs are not isolated, they are generally held. There is a complete rejection of even an Un-Symbiotic Neutralism interaction. But that rejection seems implausible & fake. For argument's sake, I'm terming it a;

G eneral
R ejected
U n-Symbiotic 
N eutralism
T rumped Up
E xaggerated
R ivalry

Never mind Blue Planet, Attenborough. Bell me & we'll talk money for Red, White n Black Planet.


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