From Factual to Fatuous

Sheffield United 4 v Aston Villa 1

The Championship

Saturday 1 September 2018

SUFC 2018/19 Game 18

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Right you Monkeys. It's anecdote time. This one triggered by the fact that Utd were out of sight by half time. Three up. Should have been more. Joyful to watch. The guy on the PA mic is Gary Sinclair. He's not the only one. But, he is one. One of those who sometimes overplays his part. He's a victim really. The move from factual to fatuous. “Number 2, Badger”. Has become. “Number 39, signed ten minutes before the deadline, let's give him a great big Bramall Lane welcome, making his debut, on the Bench, it's Conor Washington, named after the US President, good luck today 'George’ - or should I call you DC?”

As half time approached, the Third Linesman has put the board up. The correct announcement would be “there's a fucking board saying two, it's two” or “a minimum of two minutes to play”.

Modern Football Bollocks means it's more like. “The Fourth Official has indicated there will be a minimum of two minutes to play, sponsored by Sainsbury's Own Brand Lard”.

Sinclair has let his Edinburgh Comedy Fringe audition get away from him with. “Unfortunately, there are only two minutes left of the first half”. (Or similar). Wilder immediately turned around. Walked to the dugout/tunnel. And, it looked like words were exchanged. In his press duties, Wilder has apologised to SOT Villa. Along the lines of “we are not an arrogant club”. Salute.

Look. Out of context. What Sinclair said was not too bad. Attempted funny. From “a fan”. In a joyful way. I cringe at him/them saying ANYTHING other than factual script. I felt “oh fuck”, rather than “the fucker”. It's probably done now.

(Phil - that anecdote Mate - any news?)

I've heard far worse. That time the Announcer was sacked DURING the game. Asked to unplug. And leave the premises. A number of - I'm in the entertainment business - misdemeanours. But the standout was;

Introducing a player from an ethnic minority group. By attempting to imitate (his version) of the accent that group might use when speaking English. It so happened the player was an England player. The cricketer Mudhsuden Singh Panesar - more commonly known as Monty - born in Luton of Indian parents. Full on - Goodness Gracious Me, it's Monty Panesar (ish - not his actual words - but gist). What went through his head? How can that end well?

He was David Nixon. November 2013. The Carrier Bag Firm had followed the England cricket team to Alice Springs in Australia for a warm up game. It was sort of a tourism coup for Alice. They'd pushed the boats out. Just that one of the boats turned out to be HMS Buffoon. In Blades Celebrity Fan related japery, he'd had a concerted pop at Joe Root on Day One. Alice Springs. Centre of Australia. Aussie Summer. It's hot Mate. The actual reading on the thermometer is fucking irrelevant. Hot you Got. Root is batting. Needs a drink. Politely asks the oppo Skip & the Ump if that's OK.

Nixon - “Joe Root calls for another drink”
Umpires later call for an everyone have a swig drinks break.
Nixon - “Now it's time for everyone to have a drink, including Joe Root”.
Root doesn't last long after that & is out.
Nixon - “You can go & have another drink now Joe”
Later, Root has to leave the ground feeling unwell.

FFS

Nixon reflects on it all overnight. Hhhmmm. Maybe I got that wrong. To make amends, I'll imitate a cod Indian accent when Panesar comes on to bowl. You Sir. Are done…. Lunch on Day Two.

Football Coaching Wisdom Bit

When crossing a ball. Put it where someone on your team might head it. Not too low. Not too high. Not in front of where he might head it. Or too far behind.

When you're up for a free kick or a corner. Get in a position where you think/know the crosser will put the ball. Jump in the air. Try to get the top of your head higher than it would be if you hadn't jumped. Don't fuck about blocking or wrestling a defender. Ball. Jump. Head.

Ladies & Gentlemen. I give you Ollie Norwood & Jack O’Connell. One. Nil. Six Earth Minutes.

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