Position Non-Existent

To Head Coach England Cricket (Mr T Bayliss)
or To Whom Else It May Concern

International Cricket Teams must strive for any competitive advantage. In football, no stone has been left unturned. Thomas Gronnemark has been appointed by Liverpool Football Club as a Specialist Throw In Coach. Similarly, Mammoth have been appointed Official Mattress Supplier to Tottenham Hotspur FC to help their players rest after games.

I note with interest, and applaud, the increasing number of specialist coaches & analysts employed by England Cricket. And, I'm sure you'll join me in condemning media criticism of those appointments along the lines of “a bewildering array of coneheads”. However, I do feel a gaping coaching opportunity exists & is not being exploited. In fact, that opportunity has existed since the Run Out of Australian Bill Brown at Sydney as long ago as 13 December 1947 in a Test v India. The MCC Coaching Manual published in 1952, and all subsequent coaching aids over 70 years, have failed to develop specialist coaching drills addressing the Run Out skills required.

I would argue that with these underused skills, England could gain the extra one percent needed for an Ashes victory or World Cup win. I am now in a position to offer my coaching skills to England Cricket. Let me describe the requirements and how I meet them.

Sleight Of Hand - the hand is NOT quicker than the eye. John Mulholland was an American Magician who performed for New York society in the 1930s. He subsequently wrote the Art Of Deception Manual for the CIA. Mulholland was clear - to deceive an adversary, neither the hand nor the eye should move quickly.

Poker Face - to bluff an opponent, you do NOT need an inscrutable, disengaged expression. Erik J Schlicht (et al), Department of Psychology, Harvard University concluded, in the 2010 research paper Human Wagering Behavior Depends On Opponents’ Faces, that smiling, looking excited & acting trustworthy were the best strategies for deceiving opponents.

Deny Everything - recent history has shown that you should NOT go into detail when defending underhand tactics. Australian cricketer Cameron Bancroft firstly claimed he had a sunglass pouch in his pocket, then sticky tape. Ultimately, it was revealed he had been using sandpaper on the ball. Bancroft was handed a nine month ban. I would have firmly advised Mr Bancroft to adopt the approach of Private Baldrick at the Court-Martial of Captain Blackadder for shooting a carrier pigeon. Superbly instructed and coached by Blackadder to deny everything, when asked “are you Private Baldrick?”, he emphatically replied “No”.

To effectively coach the Run Out technique I am proposing, as Harvard University, the CIA & Private Baldrick have clearly shown, you need to be a Slow, Smiling, Mumbling Fool. I am uniquely qualified to fill that role.

Few remember it was Bill Brown who was Run Out at Sydney in 1947. Many more recall the Indian Bowler who removed the bails. VINOO MANKAD.

I hereby apply for the position of Specialist Mankad Run Out Coach.

Yours Deceptively
Phil Rose