Liga NB I
Sunday 27 August 2023
Ground Tick #445
Ever since I started publishing my Blog on SubStack, I've been getting a lot more interaction with readers. You know the sort of thing, comments and questions in response to Blogs. As we're running out of ideas for Blogs, to pad it out, I thought I'd try to answer some readers' questions. Here's one I recently received;
"Phil, what would happen if I shone an infrared light on my hand?"
Well. Where to start. Basically, that shows the sort of fucking idiot who regularly reads this Blog. What the fucking hell has that got to do with anything? But, when you're a major Social Media Influencer like me, you've just got to go where your audience takes you.
If you shone an infrared light on your palm, the blood in your veins would absorb some of that light and get a little bit hotter. As a Heat Map, that would show the structure of your veins. Where they are in your palm. How long each one is. How wide each one is. That sort of thing. Indeed, you'd have a sort of map, a print, a scan of your palm and the veins. With that infrared light, my palm would have a different map to yours, and to whoever is sat next to you on the bus. It'd provide an identifier unique to me. Like a fingerprint, or DNA.
Now, in preparing that answer to the where the fuck has that come from question, I ran my explanation past the Carrier Bag Firm to see if it made sense. Here's what one of them said;
"Phil, we know that a major problem with allocating Sheffield United away match tickets is that people buy them using someone else's loyalty points. The person using the ticket is not necessarily the person who has earned the loyalty points. And it's not fair boo hoo. Could we somehow use this unique infrared palm imagery to link the identity of the ticket purchaser to the ticket user?"
Well. In order to make that work, you'd need something like;
A contactless fan card, with a chip in it, on which the club could "load" tickets.
When a fan got that card originally, they'd have to turn up at the office with their passport to prove their identity.
And, the office would need some sort of infrared palm scanner. And the fan would have to scan their palm in the office. So that the club computer could link member number 505789 to their palm vein structure.
And, that's not the half of it. Because, when the fan turned up at the turnstile for a match, there'd have to be a contactless ticket card reader AND a palm scanner machine-a-me-jig at the fucking turnstile.
Punters and Baggers would have to put their palm on the scanner AND touch their Ticket Card on a separate scanner. The club computer would read both, whirr away, and say YES that's Phil's ticket and that's Phil's palm, purchaser identity matches user identity, light the green light, click the turnstile, he's in.
I bet you're thinking;
"Alright Phil. Lighten up. It's just a hypothetical idea to stop people using tickets which aren't theirs. No need to talk down to people and demean them."
But. Let me tell you. To get into my 445th different ground. Which was Ferencvárosi, Groupama Aréna. That is EXACTLY what I had to do. EXACTLY. Turn up the day before, buy a fan card, show my passport, three infrared scans of my left palm, three of my right, to capture my unique identity, load a ticket onto my card. Matchday, at the turnstile, I had to place my palm on the scanner, and tap the contactless with my card. Once the machines had linked me as the ticket purchaser, to me the guy actually trying to use it at the turnstile, I was IN.
In the ground, each seat had a letter to Fradi fans in both Hungarian and English. Basically explaining that Fradi are suffering from discriminatory chanting and hand gestures. Homophobic. Anti-Semitic. Nazi Salutes. The Lot. The letter explained the whole heap of shit descending on the club because of that.
The palm identification entry system is one Ferencvárosi response to crowd problems they've had over the years. So, there you have it random mad infrared questioner. Yes, there is an already implemented application for infrared palm reading technology at the Ferencvárosi Turnstile.
"Phil, is that Palm Reading Technology yet able to predict where Fradi will finish in the league…." (Giggling in Background)
The in ground bevvy was;
Dreher Sörgyárak, Dreher Gold on Keg at 5%
Incidentally, I could not buy that ale with cash. I could not buy that ale with my credit card. I could only buy that ale by loading Forints onto my Fradi Club Card and using that. That ale purchase is linked on The Cloud to my palm print. The Carrier Bag Firm cannot decide whether we're for or against it!!!
What a crazy game. Ferencvárosi were scoring at will late in the first half. Goals on 42 (that was Varga B hat trick), 45+3 and 45+5 sent them in winning six one at half time. But, that was it. Finished six one at full time. We got out without the need to palm anyone.
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