Dem Lizards

(this piece first appeared in Dem Blades Fanzine, Issue 4) 

Dem Lizards 

It was the noise that first alerted me. Not so much the volume. But, the whining bile. Incessant. 

Back in the day, when I used to go for a drink before home games, I'd walk around the corner. One (but usually more) of the Carrier Bag Firm would be squinting through the windows of The Lord Nelson. 

"There's a light on. I think he's opening. Rattle the sneck a bit". That was the noise then. 

In more recent and enlightened times, the noise became; 

"Phil, glad you're here. You must try the Sierra Island, Pun Name IPA. It's bittered with whole hop cones. Harvested by Native American growers on only Western facing slopes. Superb."

But. Now. Bring the new noise. "What's Been Said?" - Six Degrees Of Separation.

An interviewer in the tunnel asks Wilder a question

They play the clip of his answer on the highlights show

The anchor on the highlights show asks the pundit a question about Wilder's comments

The pundit answers

Some Snowflake Blades take offence at the pundit & try to Royally light up the Internet in righteous indignation

Some Blades Vlogger, Blogger or Podder makes like O'Connell and overlaps the lot to keep the issue alive

Nowadays, I walk to a pub on matchday. There is no longer noise about whether he's opening or not. There is no longer noise about the buzzing new beer. 

"Phil"

"Have you fucking heard What's Been Said?"

Aaaarrrrrgggghhhh. My ears.

The second thing that alerted me was the unremitting search for offence, for indignation. It feels like there is a sinister group of zero hours contract Blades who are gig economied from noon on Matchday until Midnight the next day - covering Football Focus until Match Of The Day 2. Their role is to scour the Internet for any perceived slight of Sheffield United FC. The Snowflake Blades.

Calling us Industrial, Agricultural, Workmanlike. Or the greatest crime of all to the Snowflake Blades. Calling us "just" Sheffield. Ping. Call it out. Get the Internet lit up. I swear I saw one posting asking whether Frank Lampard Jr had disrespected Wilder by the quality of the substitutes he'd named against us. FFS.

That Sam, the one who edits Dem Blades Fanzine. He's become obsessed with "His Brand". He's now grassing out pundits who call us Sheffield United rather than Dem Blades. You've gone too far fella.

We crossed another line when Carrier Bag Firm Internet Deniers started going over to this Snowflake side. One even activated a Twitter Account. Just so he could hurl abuse at Garth Crooks. On the strength of that, he was given a suspension from Twitter with No Followers, and Following no one, with just a single Tweet to his name. In another context, he'd be a DON. But, he's really a NOB.

The third thing that got me thinking was the Collaborations. On today's BladesPod, we interview Deadbat about his match reports. Next week on The Shoreham View Vlog we've got Sam from Dem Blades Fanzine. In a special edition of Four Blades In A Pub, we've got Foxy from S24SU.com. What the hell is all that about? I've done a Venn Diagram. You know what? They're all one & the same person. You read it here first. A simple conspiracy to create their own "original content" by recycling "original content" from elsewhere. Classic David Icke.

Every Cult has a leader. Think about it. A Cult dedicated to finding, amplifying & recycling all this NOISE. It's him isn't it? It's that Roy - with his The View From. Not content with Blades Noise. He's part of a Noisy National Network (NNN) who not only generate noise about their own clubs. They actively seek out noise generated by other clubs. The Evil Genius.

Have I been duped? Do they think I'm a Sleeper Cell? Am I an unwitting puppet in their evil game? Sam from Dem…. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. In reality, there is no actual Sam from Dem Blades. Let me correct myself. Roy, using his Sam from Dem Blades persona, asked me whether I'd like to write for this issue of Dem Blades Fanzine. Did he (or maybe she, we can't trust these people any more) think I'd fall for it?

Let's have it right. We're not interested you Lizards. We see you. In plain sight. We're the Carrier Bag Firm. Irrelevant, Irreverent & Incoherent. We're turning a mirror on modern football.

Shut. Your. Noise.