UEFA Youth League Group G
Tuesday 7 November 2023
Played at Manchester City Academy Stadium
Man City's Academy Stadium is my 455th Ground Tick. But, everyone knows I shouldn't be here. Everyone knows I should be at Sheffield United's Academy "Stadium" in Shirecliffe, Sheffield. Everyone knows I should be there this afts watching Sheffield United U21 v Wigan Athletic. Sheffield United U21/U23, my team, a team I have watched 161 times, playing on a ground I have watched 40 matches on.
But, this season, the fuckers have decided to play midweek Academy games at Shirecliffe Behind Closed Doors. No reason given. But everyone knows it's because - the First Team are in. They'll let thirty fucking thousand within 50 yards of the first team every other weekend. But, they won't let ten (ish) of the Carrier Bag Firm within 200 yards of them on an occasional Tuesday. Everyone knows.
The clocks have changed. The nights are drawing in. We're being battered by storm after storm. We're another year older. For those at the back. We. Need. Afternoon. Football.
Fuck 'em. We're at the UEFA Youth League.
And, I have to say, I have no idea what's gone off at The Grove Inn (652 Ashton New Rd, Clayton, Manchester M11 4AT). The only sign of life outside was the Joseph Holt Thunderbird Six wagon parked outside. I stuck my head in. A fella who I now know as Isaac was moving shit around behind the bar.
"Hi Mate, are you open?"
Well. He sort of was. Although he basically didn't answer me. He was a-wiping an' a-cleaning an' a-screwing things on beer taps.
A combination of nods, oooohhhhs and pointing from both of us indicated I should take a seat while he applied the final touches. Once done, he made the universal grunt for;
"Thanks for waiting, what can I get you?"
As I approached the bar to choose my beer, I realised "Isaac" still had his pyjama bottoms on!!! Anyway. Open. Serving.
Joseph Holt (Manchester), Bitter on Cask at 4%
A local punter drifted in a little after me and asked;
"Are you the new Landlord?"
"Yes. I'm Isaac. Pleased to meet you."
Said Isaac. Now wearing trousers. The punter made a phonecall.
"Where are you? He's open."
He then made a few more calls. Each with roughly the same message. And other punters began to miraculously appear.
"Hello. I'm Isaac. The new Landlord."
Became the greeting watchword. Slowly, slowly, I realised I had caught Isaac in his JimJams, just as he was setting up the pub on his very first morning. And I was the very first pint he pulled. I wonder what happened to the old Landlord?
"Isaac. I heard they did an audit on <I couldn't quite catch the name>. And he was NINE GRAND short."
"Well, they've told me they did an audit last Tuesday and he was only TWO GRAND AND TWO HUNDRED POUND light by then."
Oh. That's what happened to the old Landlord. Fair play. Isaac and his staff were trying to get the gaff ship shape now the pyjama bottoms were hung up. Sweeping. Wiping. Squirting. I didn't use the Gents myself. But I assume they were in a bit of a state.
One of the newly arrived, Isaac greeting, customers walked up to the bar. And placed a box of Toilet Duck Gel Discs on it. I repeat - a customer brought some Toilet Duck.
"Use those in the lavs. It'll make 'em smell better. If you need any more boxes, let me know and I'll bring 'em next time in."
True Community Spirit. Right there.
A good few Young Boys fans in the ground. Making all the noise. But, it was a disappointing show from their Even Younger Young Boys. They made a sub on 29. Then two at half time. Then another on 60. Then, the goalkeeper (Ardian Bajrami) got injured on 71 and was replaced by fifth sub, Jasha Bracher. Not long after that, their #12, Jacques Bomo, who had come on as the 29th minute sub, needed lengthy treatment on the pitch, then lengthy treatment off the pitch, then lengthy treatment on the pitch. Before they decided he couldn't continue. And they finished the game with ten men.
Have I got this right? Jaden Heskey played #9 for City. And Reigan Heskey played #11. They are both Emile's lads. Jaden is 17. And Reigan is just 15.
Anyway. Reigan H has opened the scoring on just 9. Mahamadou Susoho has made it two on 34. A great free kick routine from wide left. Tightish to the goalline. Very narrow angle. City had players disrupting the keeper at the near post. And Susoho hit an accurate, low shot past keep's near side. Keeper was poor there tbh. City wrapped up a third just before half time. And that was it. Cruised from there.
Everyone knows I shouldn't have been here. And, I didn't even bring Toilet Duck. Good luck Isaac.
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