We. Are. Umarell.

Erith & Belvedere 1 v Chichester City 1 

Isthmian League South East Division (Step 4) 

Sunday 19 November 2023 

Played at Park View Road. Groundshare at Welling United 

Ground Tick #460 

Clapton Community 2 v Benfleet 1 

Eastern Counties League, First Division South (Step 6) 

Saturday 18 November 2023 

Ground Tick #459 

England 2 v Malta 0 

UEFA EURO 2024 Qualifiers Group C 

Friday 17 November 2023 

Played at Wembley 

The Old Spotted Dog ground, home of Clapton Community, lays a claim to being the oldest senior football ground in London. I'm just going to repeat the claim. Because, you know, there'll be caveats. The OSD was my 459th ground tick. And I ticked #460 the day after, at Park View Road watching Erith & Belvedere.

That tight at times win over Benfleet marked a 15 match unbeaten run for Clapton Community. As I write, Clapton Community sit top of the division on 42 points from 22 games.

“Phil, may I ask, why are you long winding it as - Clapton Community? Just put - Clapton.”

“I am not long winding it. I'm distincting it. Because, while Clapton Community sit top of the Eastern Counties First South, CLAPTON are tenth…”

Let me explain. Clapton Community FC were only formed in January 2018. Formed by disillusioned fans of Clapton FC. The new club, I'm now going to say Clapton CFC, are 100% fan owned. They had to restart in the County Leagues. But, they won the Middlesex County League Division One Central and East in 2018/19. I'm going to moniker that Step 8.

They won the Middlesex County Premier (let's say Step 7) in 2022/23. And, here they are in the pukka National League Step system, looking for back to back promotions.

Meanwhile, in 2022/23, t’original Clapton were relegated from the Essex Senior League (Step 5). Meaning that old and new are in the same division this season. Around a month ago, Clapton CFC beat Clapton FC, here at the Old Spotted Dog, two one.

As part of the owner & financial problems for Clapton FC, the problems which essentially lead to the fan's disillusion and breakaway, they had been ejected from the Old Spotted Dog ground for non-payment of rent.

In a turnaround, by September 2019, the new club, Clapton CFC had acquired the lease on the OSD. And, indeed, by July 2020 the new club had actually bought the freehold, and now owned the Old Spotted Dog ground. Clapton CFC hosted their first competitive game at the Old Spotted Dog on 26 April 2023. And here we are.

Also. I've learned a new word. 

Umarell 

That's derived from Italian. From the Bolognese dialect. Roughly - Little Man.

But, most often used to portray an elderly gent, often in an anorak, probably with a woolly hat on, hands clasped behind his back, peering intently at ongoing roadworks, or people parking their car. The Umarell will be offering an uninvited running commentary on progress - well really on the LACK of progress.

Fan owned Clapton CFC are very much keeping politics in football. They are avowedly anti-fascist. And, a number of different ultra groups inhabit different bits of the ground. 

For reasons which will be obvious, the Carrier Bag Firm have chucked our lot in with the - Umarell Oldtras.

Let's have a quick dive into how a Fan Owned club can operate.

Clapton CFC prefer a “pay what you want” policy on the turnstile. Now they're in Step 6, the FA won't allow that, the rule is a minimum admission fee for competitive games. So, unfortunately, they've gone with four quid for adults. Of course, that doesn't apply to us Umarell Oldtras. We're in “concessions”. Concessions are - pay what you want.

Concessions cover: 

Clapton CFC members 

Newham residents 

Teenagers (13 to 19)

Over 60s - HUZZAH 

Students and apprentices

Trade union members

Unemployed people and those on low income

People with disabilities and health conditions 

Refugees, asylum seekers and undocumented migrants 

“Fuck me, Phil.”

I can hear you say.

“That must cause chaos at the gate. Some fucker having to check the paperwork for all that lot.”

Not so. No ID is required to qualify for concessions. Clapton CFC will take your word for it. At the turnstile, you tell them you are a concession. You don’t have to say which one. And - pay what you want.

“Alright Phil, but do they do printed programmes?”

“Yes - those are pay what you want.”

“Please, please Phil. Tell me the well appointed, welcoming and efficient bar is also pay what you want for local independent Craft Beer…”

The - pay what it says on the price list - in ground offering included;

Pretty Decent Beer Co (Waltham Forest), Old Scaffold Daze, Hazy Session IPA on Keg at 4.5%

That one brewed specially for Clapton CFC. Commemorating one of the more thrown together stands at the Old Spotted Dog. Incidentally, that artists impression logo is not strictly accurate. The brickwork has - All Coppers Are Bastards - painted on it.

This being a progressive, inclusive football club, you'd be disappointed if there weren't a Gluten Free option.

Pretty Decent Beer Co, The Greatest Love Story, Gluten Free Single Hop (Simcoe) Pale Ale from a Tin at 4.5%

Look. We're not amateurs. We know what we're doing. We're the Umarell. We knew that Pretty Decent Beer Co were sold at the ground. So, we also had the sesh in their Taproom.

Pretty Decent Beer Co - Forest Gate Taproom

340 Sheridan Rd, London E7 9EF

They had nine of their own on Keg. And a fridge full of cans.

We went;

Pretty Decent Beer Co, My Ex Was In A Band And They Had A Hit Called Sheryl Crow, West Coast Pale on Keg at 5%

Brewed with Cascade, Amarillo and El Dorado. 

Pretty Decent Beer Co, Live Love Laugh, Hazy IPA on Keg at 5.8%

Fairly neutral smell. Juice is well balanced. The bitterness comes in dandelion. Moreish. Great beer.

Pretty Decent Beer Co, Morning Steve! Hazy IPA on Keg at 5.8%

Citra, Mosaic, Galaxy.

Pretty Decent Beer Co, Moo-tiny On The Bounty, Coconut & Vanilla Porter on Keg at 5.7%

Wasn't on the list this one. You know the drill. Chat to the barperson about beer. In short order, they'll recommend one. Excellent. The vanilla smooths it out. And the coconut kicks in. Bounty ... Yeah.

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Hunting For Huskies

Malta 0 v England 4 

UEFA EURO 2024 Qualifiers Group C 

Friday 16 June 2023 

Played at Ta' Qali National Stadium 

Malta Beer Ticks up to 37 

My 151st England Away game 

My third visit to Malta to see England play (previously 2000 & 2017). And, two visits for Sheffield United pre-season (2011 & 2012).

The dynamic is; Malta is a great place for holidays, various. There's the full on hedonism of Paceville. The historical capers. Some top notch hotels. Pushes a lot of buttons. But, for the football tourists, the stadium is in the middle of nowhere and "we" are still persevering with the ridiculous model of Minnows in with the Giants for FIFA & UEFA qualifiers.

So, you don't get a great deal by way of the football experience. If England get comfortable early, which they did, fans tend to drift off to ease their long journey back to alcohol. That all conspires to dull the atmosphere. But, fair play, the Maltese South End Core were in there loud & proud. Banners, tifo, noise. England fans matched them for (St George's) flags.

There is however, a new light shining for the Beer Ticking Tourist. That light powered by;

Huskie Brewery

Those beers have not featured on any of my previous visits to Malta. And the brewery sort of sits alongside Lord Chambray (Gozo) as the pukka Maltese craft beer brewers. The Carrier Bag Firm had great fun (obvs) searching for the Huskies. 

We found some on Keg. We found some in bottles. But I'll tell you fucking what - we found them all. They list just five on their promotional flyers. My Beer App of choice (Untappd) lists seven. All duly bought, drunk, ticked by the Carrier Bag Firm. So you don't have to.

We hoovered - The Huskie Craft Beer Company;

Old Boy, Oak Aged Pale Ale on Keg at 4.6%

(at Salumeria Gardens, St Julian's)

Claims to be - an American Pale Ale aged over harshly cut oak chips from Whisky barrels. Pointless. I didn't get any oak off this reasonably decent Pale.

Down Under, Australian Pale Ale on Keg at 4.5%

(at Two Buoys, San Ġiljan)

Brewed (I think) as a one off for this (checks notes) Melbourne Themed Bar (FFS). A little bit of soap, with some tropical fruit in the finish.

Alpha, American IPA on Keg at 6%

(at Ta' Doni, Rabat)

A nice, rather malty, but old skool IPA. For me, the Hop bitterness didn't really go too far.

Baby Face, Tropical Ale on Keg at 4%

(at Ta'Doni, Rabat)

A neat pale. With the merest hint of the tropics. A bit of fruit after the interval.

Mosaic Pale Ale from a Bottle at 5%

(at Simon's Pub, Tas-Sliema)

A bit thin in your gob. But, nice and floral from the (single) Hops. With a gentle, but lengthy bitterness.

Chaos Stout from a Bottle at 5.8%

(at Simon's Pub, Tas-Sliema)

Nice, straight down the line, modern craft stout. Nicely balanced and synced.

And. Finally. Huskie Of The Trip was; Dark Times, Imperial Stout from a Bottle at an I'll fucking fight anyone 8.7%.

Simon (if that's who he was) of Simon's Pub was an odd fish. His gaff was unlit dark. And every time he needed to look in the fridges, he used the torch light on his phone. He preferred to serve the Huskie bottles by label colour, not name or style.

"Is it the Blue one?"

He kept finding one in the dark that I hadn't ordered. So, I'd be like;

"Fuck it, we're drinking them all anyway, give us two of whatever you've fucking found, we'll take 'em to a street light outside, and we'll see what we've got!!!"

Anyway. Dark Times Imperial Stout. Or Purple Black Label Thingy as Si believes. Sooooper. Latte head. Deep n rich. Magically gets thicker and thicker in your mouth. Red fruit. Bit of toffee to take home with you.

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Beer Hunting in Malta

Malta 0 v England 4

World Cup Qualifying, European Group F

Friday 1 September 2017

Twitter @ball_sup

23 Maltese Beer Ticks (although see below for definition small print)

My 139th England away game.

The Editor of The Death Gazette has organised the half time show. Some announcement about Diana, Princess of Wales, 20 years ago today, loved by all British people, blah, blah, blah. Then straight into Candle In The Wind. Whaaaat?

It's 22 blokes kicking a bag of wind around. When did football become funereal? Surely, there's enough bollocks going on that we can just enjoy the football? I don't go out to be reminded of death virtually every fucking game. It's all too catholic.

It was tough going for England at times. But, that is the nature of the beast. Essentially, we've scored a lot at the end. Self deprecating humour & chants. I no likee. “We're fucking shit…” etc. It's better to just BOO. At least we'll know where you stand. Each to his/her own. You've paid your money. You do what you like. In the main though, you've come to support England. May as well give it a go.

What do you want? A beer made by a Malteser in Italy? Or a beer made by an Italian on Malta? That is the current Beer Tickers Dilemma. I'll come to Maltese Industrial Beer made by Farsons in due course. Put that to one side for the time being. In my opinion, you're left four handed.

Phoenix Raw - Italian on Malta
Stretta - Malteser brewing in Italy
Lord Chambray - Gozo ffs
The Brew - Sliema BrewPub

Phoenix Raw
http://www.thephoenixrawbeer.com

The guy was very helpful in answering my emails about availability, etc. I witnessed four different bottles. There was rumour of keg in Vino’s Cafe Bar in Valletta. But, they'd got some construction going on bang outside. And, he couldn't open until the cement mixer had cleared off for the day. By when, we were long gone.
http://www.vinoscafebar.com

All four bottles were on in Pastry Park, Sliema. Essentially an upmarket bakery. High end, mucked about with coffee. And, those bottles. Very welcoming.

Phoenix Raw, Blonde, Floral Ale, bottle at 4.7%.
www.thepastrypark.com

Similarly, all four bottles on in I Due Sardi, a simple, rustic Pizzeria in St Paul's Bay.

Phoenix Raw, Rust, Rabat Ale from a bottle at 3.9%.
Phoenix Raw, Tar, Robust Porter from a bottle at 5.1%

Just a couple of bottles on in Trattoria Cardini, Sliema

Phoenix Raw, Rubin, Double Ale, bottle at 6.5%.

www.cardini.com.mt

I now pronounce that Blonde the best of the four Phoenix Raw beers. Floral notes. Into Jelly Baby sweet. Unfiltered, chewy, lovely beer.

Stretta
www.strettacraftbeer.com

I saw one, in a bottle with my own eyes. There was rumour of a Mosaic on Keg in Wild Honey, Valletta. Fella showed me the empty keg. Fucking closest I got to it.

Therefore, I had the one bottle in The Hole In The Wall, Sliema. All bottles in there. Hipster beards. Very welcoming though.
www.holeinthewall.com.mt

Stretta, India Pale Ale No. 1, bottle at 6.3%.

Lord Chambray
www.lordchambray.com.mt

Apologies dear reader. I have no idea whether there are strong regional rivalries between the different Maltese islands. One of which is of course called Malta. Lord Chambray are a real deal Craft Brewery. A nice range. Everyone bursting with flavour.  A serious manufacturing & distribution operation. And a superb little taphouse at the Brewery. That'll be the TapHouse on the island of GOZO. Sorry guys. For hunting & ticking purposes I'm gonna call you a Maltese Brewery. I counted eight Lord Chambray beers. And, I ticked them all.

67 Kapitali, Valletta
www.67kapitali.com

That is a superb place. My top beer recommendation in Malta. Four Lord Chambray on keg. Most of the rest of the LC range in bottles. And, all the Phoenix Raw in bottles. Plus a couple of International “guest kegs”. And a good International can & bottle list. If you've only got one day …..

Very, very welcoming. The owner didn't mind me asking about other places to try. More of a cafe feel, than a pub.

Lord Chambray, Psy-Kolsch on keg at 4.9%
Lord Chambray, Blue Lagoon, Witbier on keg at 5%
Lord Chambray, Special Bitter on keg at 3.8%
Lord Chambray, Flinders Rose (Gose) from a bottle at 4.2%

Cheeky Monkey, Qawra
www.cheekymonkeymalta.com

A brash n breezy. But, clean & modern pub on the seafront. A small range of Lord Chambray bottles.

Lord Chambray, Golden Bay, Blonde Ale from a bottle at 5.2%

Lord Chambray Brewery, Mgarr Road, Xewkija, Gozo

A Must Do.

Effectively on the main bus routes between the ferry & Victoria. But, get there. Soon. By trains, planes or automobiles if needs be. That little Taproom. And the haircuts of the staff. Wouldn't be out of place in Bermondsey or Hackney. Small bar frontage. Couple of tables. They'd got four taps. Only two on. And a full range of their bottles.

Lord Chambray, San Blas, English IPA from a bottle at 5.7%
Lord Chambray, Fungus Rock, Stout from a bottle at 5.5%
And. FFS.
Lord Chambray, WINTER ALE, from a bottle at 8 (Eight) %.

There wasn't really a dud. I found the Flinders Rose (Gose) underwhelming. The 8% Winter Ale was bang on. Thick, spicy, almost Christmas Pud. The Blue Lagoon Wit was complex. Sour into banana into herb finish. But, I pronounce that Golden Bay, Blonde the best of the Lord Chambray range. Thick. Opaque. Chewy. And the sweetness was spot on.

The Brew, Sliema
www.thebrew.com.mt

Brewpub on Sliema waterfront. I forgot to count. Maybe six.

The Brew, Golden Ale on keg at 6%
The Brew, Amber Ale on keg at 5.4%

I have to say. Those two surprised me. Both full of flavour (the Golden shaved it). Nice. Serious beers.

Malta's Industrial Brewer is Simonds Farsons Cisk.
www.farsons.com

Cisk lager is ubiquitous on Malta. It fits the climate. Cold, fizzy, refreshing. It ain't awful. Because it ain't owt. No real taste going on to make you shiver. It's just … safe. I'll give fair play to Farsons. They do give other stuff a go. And. I'll say. If you can't stomach the Cisk Lager. And you have a preferred style that is in the Farsons range. Then, sort of, you could do worse.

Farsons, Cisk Lager at 4.2% from various deployment devices, keg, tins, bottles.
Farsons, Cisk Excel, Lo Carb variant at 4.2%.
Farsons, Double Red, Strong Ale from a bottle at 6.8%.
Farsons, India Pale Ale from a bottle at 5.7%.
Farsons, Blue Label, Original Amber Ale from a bottle at 4.7%.
Farsons, Hopleaf Pale Ale from a bottle at 3.8%.
Farsons, Lacto Milk Stout from a bottle at 3.8%.

That Double Red, Strong Ale at 6.8% is the best of the Farsons bunch. Malt. Toffee. A bit of bite.

My 23 Maltese ticks completed by 1565 Victory Lager from a tin at 4.5%.

Standout Beer Of The Trip
Lord Chambray, Golden Bay, Blonde.

527/1109

Memo for Allardyce

England 2 v Malta 0

Saturday 8 October 2016

FIFA World Cup Qualifier Group F

Played at Wembley

twitter @ball_sup

Well it was never gonna be a brave new world. Southgate in charge because no one sent Allardyce the “don't fucking say anything stupid to anyone" memo.

Ponderous. Possession. But, just dinking it about. You've just got to unleash some of these blokes a bit. Par for course FIFA/UEFA qualifying group mismatch/waste of time. Joyless Wembley experience as per.

Virtually full house. Which is amazing. Shows the difference a Saturday kick off makes. I won't knock it too much.

People turning out to watch a game, their country. Fair dos.

Not been in for a while. The Bree Louise at Euston. Same as ever was set up. Some handles. Some gravity. In the midst of a Windsor & Eton Tap Takeover.

Windsor & Eton, Guardsman on cask at 4.2%.
Windsor & Eton, Canberra on cask at 4%.
Windsor & Eton, Conqueror on gravity at 5%.

And then post match calm down in the quiet, but sanctuary like Alma on Chapel Market, Islington.

One Mile End, Snakecharmer IPA on keg at 5.7%
One Mile End, Tinker's Cuss, Pissed around with Red Rye IPA on keg at 5.2%.

388/809