How Do We Get To Ballymena, I Don't Know

England 1 v Spain 2 

UEFA EUROs 2024 Final 

Sunday 14 July 2024 

Played in Berlin 

England Away Game #161 

German Beer Ticks up to #151 

That's it then. We're done. You'll have all seen it. A lot of you on the Tele. You'll have your opinions. That's the deal isn't it. Everyone has their piece of the England team.

Spain didn't let us play for long periods. We gave the ball away too often and too easily. Sat deep. The Spanish players had a lot of space at times. And we generally lacked energy and oooofffftttt towards the top of the park. Sounds awful when I write it like that.

But, of course, it felt different in the ground. We did stay in the game. What a fucking feeling when Palmer's goal went in. But. That's it then.

The manager? My main issue is I definitely DON'T want a foreign manager. We've been down that road before. This is international football. We showcase what we've (the English) got. And if it's not good enough, we can be upset, we can moan, we can build a better showcase. We've developed our top level structure to showcase foreign talent. And to rely on celebrity managers. The same three being appointed on a merry go round. It's fucking mental.

I like Southgate. He embodies what I think it's like to be English. Calm, polite, thoughtful, supportive, self aware. He's the (correct) antidote to the arrogant, entitled, vein popping, pundit repeating pricks. Of which there were many in Berlin I'm afraid.

If he had stayed. I could have lived with that. He's gone. I can live with that. If he's replaced by who is judged to be the next English England manager. I can live with that. If he's replaced by a foreign manager. I'll have to live with that.

What do we do now?

We try to get confirmation that England Under 21 game in September is being played at The Ballymena Showgrounds. That'll be a good ground tick. And we decide whether it's best to stay in Belfast, Derry, or Ballymena itself. Before finding a way to get to Dublin for England's Nations League game the day after. That's what we fucking do, mate.

I've actually become a little bit of a celebrity in the German grounds, among the England fans.

“Why's that Phil? Because you've been going since 1983? Because you were at the 1988 EUROs and this is your second go-a-round in Germany. Third if you count the World Cup. Are other fans finally beginning to recognise your elder statesman gravitas? Are they Blog readers, wanting to say how much the Blog has cheered them up through the tournament? Is that why you're becoming a little bit of a celebrity?”

“No mate. It's the Selfies.”

The Carrier Bag Firm have to get into these stadiums early. Avoid the pushing and shoving on the trains. Get through security and tickets before it turns into a mad rush. Claim our own seat. And defend it against Mr Sit Where You Like.

We often find ourselves in with other earlies. Some of them (bless), could be their first England game. Some of them, their 101st, bumping into friends they haven't seen since Qatar. Some of them have their flags. Tom & Ally On Tour. RIP Jinxy. Hallam FC. Lest We Forget. We See Things You'll Never See. Bring Back Fingering (!!!). Slogans is what I'm saying.

And, many of them will want the Photey. For the Facebook. For the Insta. For the hell of it. For the moment. They will stand on the steps. They will see a cuddly old fella. And they will say;

“Would you mind taking a photo of us, Pal?”

“Of course, do you want it this way round, or this? Shall I get the scoreboard in the back? Shufty in a bit so I can get all of you and the flag in. I'll take a few. So you can choose the best one. Look like you're enjoying yourselves for fuck sake. Here we go…”

From their perspective, they see a vulnerable individual, trying his best, poking at their phone screen, for all he's worth, tap, tap, tap.

“There you go. I think there'll be some good ‘uns in those. Have a good night. It's Coming Home…”

What they don't yet realise is, for some of those photos, I've flicked their phone onto Selfie Mode, slightly changed my bewildered old man concentrating face into POUTY FACE and selfied myself into their reel.

Later. They will check their phone. And they will see. And they will firstly think - who the fuck. And then they will think - how the fuck. And mainly - why the fuck. They will process it all, the photos with the flag, the photos with their mates, and the photos of my pout. And they will smile. And they will think…

“The fucker…”

And, at the Final in Berlin, one of them will walk up my aisle. Glance my way. Double take. Stare a bit to make sure. Attract my attention;

“Hey mate, I've got a great photo of you on my phone…”

He will show me. We will both giggle. He will go and get the others who were at the photoshoot. And they will all shake my hand. England fans across the generations. The baton is passed. See you in Ballymena.

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Bring Nose Hair Clippers

England 2 v Netherlands 1 

UEFA EUROs 2024 Semi Final 

Wednesday 10 July 2024 

Played at Dortmund 

England Away Game #160 

German Beer Ticks up to #139 

Great night. England were better, weren't they. They got a lot going on in the first half. Nice control. Bit of endeavour. Some confidence oozing back in. And. What a script. What a fucking script. Anyone who has listened to me will know what I've previously said.

“I support Sheffield United. Aston Villa killed us at The Lane. Five or Six or Summat weren't it? Ollie Watkins was unplayable. Put the ball in his channel. He's superb.”

That's all it took in the end.

One of my mantras on this trip, when talking to other fans, and hearing their travel plans, has become;

“Whatever you do, is right for you.”

Some fans have been traveling back and forth between England and Germany. Some fans have had cheap flights, booked many months ago, to places England haven't played, on days they haven't played. And, they've been fully prepared to bin those off as - money well spent just in case. Some fans haven't been in their house since 5 June and are just winging it as the tournament unfolds.

When the final whistle went. I did a bit of The Limbs thing. Then I sat back in my beer drenched seat and booked flights home from Berlin. A train to Berlin. And a hotel in Berlin. Yes, I have received a six digit code from my Bank. Yes I have input that code. Yes the payment has been authorised. Then I looked up from my seat to celebrate with “my players”. But, those bookings had taken longer than I anticipated. And the players had already fucked off!!!

As I said. The mantra. Whatever you do, is right for you. That's how the Carrier Bag Firm are doing our trip. And it's right for us.

“Berlin Berlin wir fahren nach Berlin”

Anyone reading this who is coming to Berlin at short notice…

“Bring me a comb. This Number Two Trim has grown out a bit now. Oh. And some nose hair clippers. Jeez. Need those badly. I want to look my best for one last push.”

I decided to celebrate that win. And my flight, and my train, and my hotel, in a suitable fashion.

Lidl Deutschland, Perlenbacher Strong, style unknown, from a Tin at 7.9%, in the room at the B&B Hotel Dortmund West, formerly ibis Budget Dortmund West.

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Alt(ernative) To Alt

England beat Switzerland 5-3 on Penalties 

1-1 on 90 minutes 

1-1 After Extra Time 

UEFA EUROs 2024 Quarter Final 

Saturday 6 July 2024 

Played at Düsseldorf 

England Away Game #159 

Ground Tick #494 

German Beer Ticks up to #133 

I've been “on that plot” before. 15 June 1988. England 1 v Netherlands 3. Called the Rheinstadion then. This ‘un comes up on The App/The Algorithm as the Merkur Spiel-Arena. As it was a complete move out, demolition & rebuild, ala Tottenham and “New” Wembley, The App has it as a New Ground Tick for me. Done to death, the argument about what counts and what doesn't. I went “with the algorithm” years ago. Welcome to England winning on my 494th ground.

While we're doing dates. And look backs. That was the Marco van Basten hat-trick game. I mean, I've seen ‘em all, I've seen Keith Edwards, but that was the best game I've ever seen a striker have. The Bastard.

26 June 1996. EURO ‘96. Semi Final. Germany put us out on Penalties at Wembley. I was at that one.

7 July 2021. EURO 2020. Semi Final. We beat Denmark at Wembley. I was at that one.

11 July 2018. I was looking forward to CS Maritimo v Sheffield United at the Estádio Municipal da Belavista the next day. But, I was also watching (on TV) Croatia dump England out of the Semi Final of the 2018 World Cup. I had a conditional ticket for the Final. And flights from Lisbon to Moscow on standby on the laptop.

So. Despite the van Basten throwback giving me the jitters, Wednesday in Dortmund will be my first tournament Semi Final abroad.

I've seen all the shite written on Social Media various about England's performance. And about how clueless Southgate is. I've nibbled a bit. But, this is my Blog. Nobody reads it. So I can say what I like. If you're in the stadium. At a EUROs Quarter Final. And you've squeezed on a Strassenbahn. And you've had your ticket activated by Bluetooth. And then scanned in by QR. And, you've found your seat. And managed to smilingly defend it against pusher inners. And you're surrounded by other fans. And you nod at a few. And use sign language to take the piss out of the ones you know.

You lose yourself in the moment. You're supposed to. Analysis. Tactics. xG. What. Do. I. Fucking. Care.

The Carrier Bag Firm had plotted a walking route back “towards the Dorf”. As we cracked on, we bumped into a Shuttle Bus. You know how it works…

“If you see a Shuttle Bus, you get on it.”

“Where's it going Phil?”

“It's going to a location I have not yet identified. Where we will locate a Bar I have not yet heard of, let alone visited.”

“And, in that bar, we will NOT dissect England's performance for one fucking moment.”

Verily….

Hitchcoq

Nordstraße 30, 40477 Düsseldorf

A fried chicken joint, serving Craft Beer. For, yay, that is how the Shuttle Bus Deity works.

“Would you like a table outside to watch the Netherlands Turkey game.”

“Nein Danke”

Schwarze Rose (Mainz), Afterlife, Hazy Pale Ale on Keg at 5.5%

Citra & Galaxy and glorious. #Alt Alt.

Schwarze Rose, Brewtiful, IPA on Keg at 6%

Mosaic, Ekuanot, Vic Secret.

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The Cask Mild Is Off

England 2 v Slovakia 1 

After Extra Time 

1-1 on 90 minutes 

UEFA 2024 R16 

Sunday 30 June 2024 

Played at Gelsenkirchen 

England Away Game #158 

German Beer Ticks up to #121 

It may surprise you to learn my Blogs have a loyal following in the West Midlands. Indeed, my TikToks are very successful there. So, ahead of that joyous night in Arena Auf Schalke, I'm afraid I had to put an urgent all points bulletin out to The Black Country.

“Don't come to this Pub. The Cask Mild is off.”

Now, I know what you're thinking. Germany. Helles, Dunkel, Märzen, Weizen, Rauch. How the fuck has Mild even been on, let alone now gone off!!!

To answer that puzzle, you need to consider;

Frohnhauser Sudwerkstatt

Pollerbergstraße 3, 45145 Essen

A ground floor brewery and bar, underneath an apartment block. Owned, managed, run and brewed by Peter. Peter is a German. Peter is wearing a t-shirt emblazoned - Drink Cask - as the Carrier Bag Firm lollop in. Peter is odd.

He's lived in England. He was introduced to Cask Ale by an English fella. When Peter describes him, he sounds like he was sent by CAMRA Central Casting. Peter moved back to Germany and has realised his dream of opening his own brewery and bar. And, he's making a right go of it. By brewing Cask Beer for his German customers. Who, according to Peter, are fucking all over it!!!

Peter's customers are odd.

And. It gets “worse”. Not only is he brewing Cask Ale. But, he's trying to recreate long lost British Beer Recipes. Trying to recreate them as authentically as possible. He moaned at me because for one beer he had tried to recreate, the recipe just said;

“Fuggle Hops from East Kent.”

“Phil. No good. It didn't tell me which part of East Kent.”

He's lovely. But, he's fucking odd.

He's also very, very proud to serve his beers in Imperial Pints.

“Proper 568 mls Phil.”

And. Have this one. Have this illustration of Broken Britain. He's tried to order his Pint Pots from the UK. But supplier after supplier got fucked around, and fucked him around by paperwork. So. Peter the German. Gets his Pint Pots from France!!!

Our first beer was Peter's go at recreating a William Younger IPA from 1885. He went and fetched me a copy of the recipe. Of course he fucking did. I never drank the original, so I don't know how close this ‘un was. Coming in at 7.6%. So, I weren't having a Pint made in France of that monster.

More conventionally;

Fronhauser Sudwerkstatt, Neon Hoppy Sparkle, Hazy Pale on Keg at 4.2%

Hallertauer, Sorachi Ace and Mosaic.

But, the Mild was off. Sort it out Peter. FFS.

Let's go there. There are some fans who want England to fail. They're rutted in to the narrative. Particularly the narrative around Gareth Southgate. They've put their views out there. On their So Meed. Their punditry. Their tactical analysis. It's out there. They need England to fail. So they're proved right.

All they've got. On a night like tonight is;

“Even though England won, they shouldn't have, and they won't next time.”

And they can fuck off.

That's the game. That's the game. What a night. What a fucking night. 

As well as traction in The Black Country, my Blogs also generate clicks in Rotherham. One of the clickers, indeed my SUFC GangMaster, has asked me for a UEFA branded 0.5ml plastic pot as a souvenir of the tournament.

Relax mate. It's coming home. Which works on a number of levels.

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K Beer In K Town

England 0 v Slovenia 0 

UEFA 2024 EUROs, Group C 

Tuesday 25 June 2024 

Played at Köln 

England Away Game #157 

German Beer Ticks up to #109 

We leave Köln this morning. England have won the group. So, we're moving on (back) to Gelsenkirchen for the Round of Sixteen. In my lifetime, tournament group games will NOT be used to eliminate teams. They'll be used just to decide who plays who in the knockouts. A thirty two team EUROs or World Cup, 8 groups of 4, once the groups are done we'll go to a Round of Thirty Two knockout. In every knockout game, the “lower ranked” country will try to take the game into extra time and penalties. The TV ratings will be astronomical with that minnows narrative. And football will have died a bit more.

Anyway. Round of Sixteen.

If you're in K-Town, you're gonna drink K-Beer. Kölsch.

Kölsch has a Protected Geographical Indication. Think Melton Mowbray Pies and Henderson's Relish. To call your beer Kölsch, it must be made within 50k of Köln. And must be brewed according to “the rules”. Let's go with top fermented and cold conditioned.

It's alright. But, can seem a little bland and insipid. Cold, wet, and you can drink a lot of it. There's a ritual to serving it. Done properly, it comes in 20 mil test tube glasses called Stange. The myth is that serving such small measures means the beer in your hand is always fresh and chilled. Barmen are supposed to constantly trawl the room, carrying fresh Stanges in a tray called a Kränz - a Wreath. If they feel you're in need, they whack another down in front of you.

Done properly (which I think is rare these days) it's Beautiful Beer Bollocks. Rather than ordering a beer, you have to order for the beers to stop. We sat down at the bar in;

Brauhaus Reissdorf

Kleiner Griechenmarkt 40, 50676 Köln

The barman used an instinctive seventh sense and whacked this in front of me, unrequested!!!

I'm not expert on who owned what, when. But maybe that Reissdorf was one of the few genuinely independent Kölsch I hoovered. The sign on the brewery gate certainly indicates - one factory, many brands. The Radeburger Gruppe responsible for all that palaver.

Occasionally, you can detect a bit more sweet malt in one Kölsch or another. But, there's not much between ‘em really. I had eight different ‘uns. Helping push my German Beer Ticks up to 109.

They were serving Bitburger Pils in the ground. I didn't bother. Some of someone else's went on me head when Saka scored that disallowed goal. I understand some of the empty pots went at Southgate as he acknowledged the fans. I couldn't really concentrate on that, as I was sat in my seat, checking results, checking England had won the group, and booking my luxury hotel in Gelsenkirchen as Carrier Bag Firm HQ over the weekend.

I've not come on this Blog to particularly defend that England performance. But, I'm rather happy I'm in my own bubble and just moving through the tournament.

“Phil, why the clamour to play Bellingham as a ten? He doesn't really play that position for Real Madrid.”

“Fuck me, does he play for Madrid now…”

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Too Many Teams, Not Enough Carriages

England 1 v Denmark 1 

UEFA 2024 EUROs, Group C 

Thursday 20 June 2024 

Played at Frankfurt 

England Away Game #156 

German Beer Ticks up to #94 

Inevitably, as we live through Day 11 of the trip, there has been an amount of Carrier Bag Firm contemplation about the nature of things. This is the third #BigTournament I've followed England in Germany. The 1988 EUROs, the 2006 World Cup, and here we are. England will have played in Frankfurt at all three of those tournaments.

Look, I'm coming to the end of my shelf life at tournaments. I already didn't do the Russia and Qatar World Cups anyway. I don't think I'm nostalgic for the old days. And I don't think I'm churlish about modern fans traveling to today's tournaments.

(Narrator - Phil, you're Nostalgic & Churlish)

But, I'm going to make the point that modern tournaments are too big, there are too many games, involving too many countries, placing too big a strain on infrastructure, and leading to stress, chaos and confusion for traveling fans.

Twenty Four teams play Thirty Six games. In order to send Eight teams home. With Four teams in Third fucking place in their groups qualifying for the Round of Sixteen knock outs. And, another Fifteen games to go until the winners of the bunfight can be confirmed.

I mean, truly, good luck to all fans involved. Countries who have traditionally had thousands of traveling fans - Netherlands, England. Countries who qualify infrequently and understandably want to get bang at it - Scotland. Countries where a vibrant football culture has only more recently blossomed. Countries who have circumstances in their country that make them want a visible, this is us, presence - Ukraine, Georgia.

And, of course, countries where populous nationalism has a more of a foothold - Serbia, Hungary.

All meaning ever more thousands of fans traveling. Including multitudes of ticketless fans. With that overbearing strain on infrastructure.

Earlier in the trip, we were waiting at Koblenz station on our way to Gelsenkirchen for England's first game. There's a train every hour at 16 past. The train stops at Cologne, where Hungary were playing Switzerland.

Before we got out of bed, we could see from “The Apps” that the 0816 had been cancelled. When we got to the platform for the 0916, there was a Vienna to Brussels sleeper parked up. Loads of Hungarians on that, coming from over there in MittelEurope. That was timetabled as 0547. That is - three and a half hours ago. The board had it rescheduled to 1005. So, there seemed little chance of our 0916. 

Many of the people on that sleeper, still not due out at it's new time for an hour, were nipping to the shops in the station forecourt. Sarnies, brekkie bits, pop, coffee, might as well make the best of it.

Some Magyars nipped down for four beer tins each to soften the blow of their delay. I was stood at the top of the stairs at 0940, twenty five minutes before their retime. They were half way up the stairs with the Ale. When the sleeper train they had got on in Vienna just fucking pulled out of Koblenz. Without a word of warning. They'd got the Ale. But all their gear was on that train. Now sailing away into Sausage Land.

I couldn't offer any advice, as my 0916 was now on a faraway platform for 0954. And I had to get my own shufty on. The point I am making is - the trains have been a fucking farce. The tournament is too big for the number of carriages they've got!!!

This time around, there was 4.8% beer in the ground, which you could drink in your seats. Even though that's not my usual thing, it is a good bit of German Dividend.

Bitburger Brauerei, Premium Pils on Keg at 4.8%

What can I say? Long trek out to the ground. Usual Pfaff getting in. That beer hit the spot.

Earlier…

Alt-Oberurseler Brauhaus

Ackergasse 13, 61440 Oberursel (Taunus)

A lovely brauhaus on the U and S lines out of the ‘furt. The brew kit was actually behind one of the bars. Although, as it was the afts, we were sat in the biergarten. They had two of their own on. And they were bangers.

Alt-Oberurseler Brauhaus, Brauhaus Helles, Kellerbier at 5%

Alt-Oberurseler Brauhaus, Brauhaus Weizen at 5%

That was absolutely glorious. A Banana Plantation wrapped up in a Custard Factory.

The Serbia Slovenia draw meant that England would win the group with a win. So, the Carrier Bag Firm had all the contingencies mapped out for onward travel and hotels. Not that the fucking travel will work out as planned anyway. We were all ready to stay in the ground at the end and fire the logistical engines up. 

Jinxed it of course. Always do. An unchanged team. With very much the second half against Serbia vibe. I ain't particularly paid attention to what's being said back home on Planet Polyester Replica Shirt. Poor. Not absolutely awful. Group game football. Top of the group. Qualification in our hands. Winning the group in our hands. Just not what we hoped for.

We gave the ball away too often and too easily. Including that fucking ludicrous blind pass by Kane which lead to the equaliser. That could have gone to any one of three Danes. That ball away sloppiness and an all round lack of incisiveness gave us a poor night.

What we do know is - England have to play their way into this tournament now. Giving the ball away like that, to the better teams, in knockout football, hhhmmm.

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Aufkräusen me Barman

England 1 v Serbia 0 

UEFA 2024 EUROs, Group C 

Sunday 16 June 2024 

Played at Gelsenkirchen 

England Away Game #155 

German Beer Ticks up to #87 

The Carrier Bag Firm Warm Up Camp has been in the German town of Bamberg in Upper Franconia, Bavaria. Bamberg is a lovely, smart, historic place on the Regnitz river. But, various channels and cuts and canals mean there's water everywhere. And bridges.

Bamberg is also a Beer Pilgrimage destination. To make beer you need malted barley (or other grain). To malt, you soak the grain in water to wake it up. Then you allow it to germinate. Then you dry it out over heat. One of the ancient ways they dried the malt in Bamberg gave it a very smoky flavour. That gave rise to Smoked Beer, Rauchbier.

Maybe the most well known Rauchbier in the world is made by Heller-Bräu Trum, Schlenkerla in Bamberg. Mate, we're tourists. We're gonna go to Schlenkerla. And, we're gonna drink Aecht Schlenkerla Rauchbier Märzen at 5.1%. Even though we've had it before.

Lovely. Main thing to say is it's not powerfully smoky, it's balanced nicely. Don't tell their PR Department, but I enjoyed one of their other beers more.

Heller-Bräu Trum, Schlenkerla Rauchbier, Kräusen at 4.5%

Kräusen refers to the intense bubbles and foam formed during fermentation of a young or green beer. There is a brewing recipe in which some young/green beer is added to a fully matured beer. And it Kräusens the beer up, Baby.

“Aufkräusen me Barman.”

So, recap. You've got a malting process in Bamberg which produces smoky beers. You've also got a few hills above the river, with the odd cave and rock cellars you could carve out. Those cellars proved invaluable in keeping the beer cool in the warmer months. And gave rise to Lager Kellerbiers - Cellar Beers.

Pictured here is one of the historic Beer Lifts at Brauerei Spezial Keller.

Brauerei Spezial, Spezial Rauchbier Lager at 4.9%

Over the back of the Brauerei Spezial Keller is the Wilde Rose Keller. We had a ludicrous experience in there. It's a big sprawling beer garden amongst the trees. Clearly, it would seat “many hundreds”. But, it's still June, it's a bit fresh up that hill, and it's a Tuesday. So, there's just a few of us dotted under the foliage.

Wilde Rose Braukeller, Kellerbiers at 5%, brewed by Alte Klosterbrauerei Vierzehnheiligen Brauerei Trunk

Bang on 7pm. Suddenly. More and more people start arriving. And even more. Mostly blokes. More. Fucking hundreds. All arriving at once. Like a military operation (winks). Ten minutes tops. The Gaff is full. Can't be a group of bussed in Beer Tickers that. Can't be.

Waitress cleaning tables catches my incredulous - who the fuck - grimace.

“Polizei. Internationale Polizei”

Same in English, love!!!

Quick bit of googling reveals the Bamberg Plod are hosting a hugemungous collection of football plod from across Europe in association with the EUROs. Anyway, the fucking queue for the single beer garden serving hatch is now UNSERVICEABLE. And will be for the foreseeable. The CBF drink up. But, we're €10 in as there is a deposit pfand on them rather fetching ceramic pots. But, I can't join the queue for that €10 refund. Be ridic that. So, I simply push to the front of the hundreds long queue, smile, try to look my full, bumbling 65 years and go;

“Sorry, if I don't return these glasses, you'll have nowt to drink from, sorry.”

First geezer, very first geezer who looks over says (in Scottish accent);

“Aye, nae bother, in ye go.”

“Oh thank you mate, that helps, big group of police aren't you, working the EUROs?”

You know what he fucking says to me, this clearly Scottish Polis?

“Is it, I don't know, we're just come for a beer.”

Fuck Sake. What does he hope that'll achieve? Lying to me.

“PC Jock, when at an international training event for undercover football plod, do not all come in hundreds handed, with the Levis and Quarter Zips and the sensible shoes and expect not to be sussed.”

“And develop a better backstory than - Is it, I don't know.”

The Carrier Bag Firm and Football Plod - both in Training Camps in Bamberg. Who'd a thunk it?

I articulated my hopes for England's first group game as;

No dramas. No injuries. No Red Cards. A nice simple win. All sorted before we get near the 90. With no hanging on.

I'd sum it up as - not convincing, but not shit. Started like a house on fire. Dominant and wave recycling. Serbia pushed back deeper and deeper. England a bit lateral at times. But, keeping possession and looking to probe.

“Luckily” Bellingham scored that well worked goal during that spell. Helped by the infuriating modern defensive tactic of not actually trying to win the header.

But, man, Serbia clawed their way back in didn't they? Particularly as it went into the second half. Saka and Foden anonymous. Bellingham tiring and snuffed out a bit. Kane keeping at it. But he was in a right battle all night with Nikola Milenkovic.

England going ever deeper. But, hanging on in the end.

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Iceland 1 Stairlifts 6

England 0 v Iceland 1 

International Friendly 

Friday 7 July 2024 

Played at Wembley 

“You always seem to be at a game Phil. Don't you have any responsibilities at all?”

“Actually, I had to leave that game early to go and fix an Acorn Stairlift!!! The wire thingy in the photo had become disconnected. So. Yes. I have responsibilities.”

In fact, I'd had to stay in Carrier Bag Firm Mews all day anyway. Because one of the other stairlifts had broken t’other day. And I'd had to wait in for the engineer.

“One of the other stairlifts? Fucking hell. How many stairlifts are there Phil?”

“Six, bruv!!!”

Anyway. Stairlift. Wait in for the engineer. Only had time for one beer. But, it was a great ‘un.

Sutton Arms

16 Great Sutton St, London EC1V 0DH

That's in the CAMRA Guide. And is convenient for Farringdon tube. Direct to Wembley Park. First time I've ever been in. Stairlift fiascos notwithstanding, I'll be back.

Nine on Keg. Four on Cask. And some German Beers. (Stay fucking tuned for those, we fly Monday.) The geezer said they're the only pub in the UK serving some of those particular German beers. Salute.

DEYA Brewing Company (Cheltenham), Obligatory Sound Bites, Pale Ale on Cask at 4%

That one goes out to Keith & Graham. Although we did put it on their Tab … obvs.

I suppose if you're going to have to truncate an England game at Wembley to fix a stairlift, as part of your responsibilities, that's not a bad game for the occurrence.

Attacking wise, we relied on those shit chipped balls from the corner of the penalty area. And some fucker doing balletics over the other side. And mainly ending on his arse, with one leg in the air, and the lino signalling Goal Kick.

Indeed, Iceland could and should have had a second. When he's broke free on the right. Come inside a bit. But then inexplicably squares it. And matey misses. I was thinking of stairlift circuit diagrams at that point.

Poor. We move on.

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Got Any Es?

England 3 v Bosnia & Herzegovina 0 

International Friendly 

Monday 3 June 2024 

Played at St James' Park, Newcastle 

I felt that was a fairly standard run out for a pre tournament friendly. With those who played deep into the FA Cup and Champions League rested. A few players getting debuts and tryouts. And lots of different players used. So much so that I had to make myself a long cribsheet list of the 24 players, and their club sides.

A few different formations being used an’ all. They couldn't really get the ball into Ollie Watkins channel for him to run on to. So he could show what he can really do. Bowen was a bit isolated in that one trick pony come off the wing onto your other foot role. Encouragingly, England looked livelier when Harry Kane came on. Much more willing, and better, at coming deep for the ball and controlling play.

I gave Anel Ahmedhodžić the lot. Not because of his performances for his/my club side (Sheffield United) this season. But, I gave him the lot because I find it funny. He's my player at the moment for Sheffield United. That may change. He'll get my full support in a Red n White shirt. That may change. But, tonight he was playing against my team. So, he gets the lot. That won't change.

I thoroughly enjoyed the looks on my neighbours faces as I gave him the Right Royal Fuck Off as he got subbed. You know what? I don't think they knew who he was.

I haven't got the Stats. But the last time I recall being able to give a Sheffield United player a going over because he was playing against England was Ched Evans. 26 March 2011 in Cardiff.

The Carrier Bag Firm had been in Newcastle just five weeks previously for our game v Newcastle United. So, abiding by “The Rules”, we had to try out a few different drinking places. Of which, I'm going to single out;

Free Trad (e) Inn

12 St Lawrence Rd, Newcastle upon Tyne NE6 1AP

Lovely walk along the Quayside to get there. And marvelous views looking back up the Tyne if you sit in the beer garden. Which we didn't. Because, you know, Pubs are for being inside of!!!

Eight on Cask. Five on guest Keg. And four on house Keg. Fuck the view!!!

Almasty Brewing Co. (Newcastle), Echelon, Pale Ale on Cask at 4%

Full of flavour. A burst of grapefruit citrus in there. Clean and zingy. Giving something of a lie to the rather dank look.

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Aniseed, Bubble Gum, Barley Sugar

England 2 v Belgium 2 

Friendly International 

Tuesday 26 March 2024 

Played at Wembley 

England 0 v Brazil 1 

Friendly International 

Saturday 23 March 2024 

Played at Wembley 

“I'm not sure which countries we could do that for.”

“We did it for Czech Republic in 2021.”

“Germany has been suggested. But, we're worried the variety won't be there.”

“There's a small chain of Italian Craft Beer bars in London. So. Maybe.”

“Crock suggested America. While it's true you can get American beers in a lot of gaffs, is there a bar dedicated to just American beers?”

The “it” of which we talk is dedicating our beer day to the nation we are playing. Which is how we found ourselves in;

The Lowlander Grand Cafe

36 Drury Ln, London WC2B 5RR

A self styled Belgian Cafe. Which looks the part. There's the usual claim for these sorts - hundreds of beers. We'd picked it specifically for the Keg beers. We thought we'd enjoy that more than just bottles. But, we also realised we might be restricted to major Belgian brands. But. Anyway. We started with clean palates. And we left with that part aniseed, part bubble gum, part barley sugar from the sweet shop taste that you get from the Belgian yeast strains. Any served in the wrong glasses were going to get a bollocking.

Brasserie d’Orval (Florenville), Orval, from a bottle at 6.2%

The brewery produces just one beer to sell. And it's bottle fermented/conditioned. We poured all the sediment in. Because that's how we fucking roll. Brewed using spring water, barley malt, hop cones, candy sugar (obvs) and yeast. Hops added at two stages. A good whack as it's brewed. And some more as it's stored. Sort of Dry Hopping before it'd been hipvented.

I mean. Glorious. And serious. Jaffa orange. Lots of sugar on your tongue. The bitterness grows and grows. And is deep and rich rather than sharp.

Duvel Moortgat (Puurs-Sint-Amands), Duvel 6.66%, on Keg at 6.66%

Claims an unnamed six hops. While there's the distinctive bitter orange, them hops drowned in sugar. But, it all gears up to a nice spiciness.

Duvel Moortgat, Vedett Extra Ordinary IPA, on Keg at 5.5%

We're HopHeads. So. We'll have a go. Nice and drinkable. But felt underhopped. And still the distinctive tang of the yeast.

Brasserie de la Senne (Brussels), Zinnebir, Belgian Pale on Keg at 5.8%

The staff were lovely and helpful while they were discussing the options and taking your order. But, as soon as they got back to the bar, you were left with the distinct impression that they'd forgotten all about you. The key indicator being - no fucking beer being poured. This one came on while we were in. And our barman couldn't wait to explain it to us. Indeed, later on, a different BarPerson would also take the trouble to explain and offer to us (without realising we'd already dived in).

With it being from a Micro, they didn't have the branded glass. Fair enough. They opted for one of those - George Best & Miss World building a Champagne tower in a moody nightclub - coupes. Hhhmmm. I'm not so sure.

I needed a taste bud transplant by this stage. All I'm getting is sugar n spice.

Brasserie Lefebvre (Rebeq), Blanche de Bruxelles, on Keg at 4.5%

Just glorious. Naturally cloudy from the (40%) wheat. Coriander and Orange Peel added. But. Added to enhance. Not overpower. Lots of custard. Not harsh anywhere in the (correct) glass.

Brouwerij St Bernardus (Poperinge), Wit, from a bottle at 5.5%

Having had a good experience with the previous wheaty, we decided to plough that meme. Back to the George Best glasses. Poor choice (of glass) I felt.

England v Bosnia Herzegovina in Newcastle next up. So. Without wanting to be casually xenophobic and dismissive. Please put suggestions for Bosnian Beer Bars in the North East in the comments.

Got to try and stay positive. One draw from those two games. And that only clawed back by Bellingham on 90 +5. And the now familiar - not really a football crowd - experience at Wembley. I can't be too chippy at that. Lots of kids with Mums n Dads. Getting at it at England games for the first time. Lots of Lads been on some alcohol delivery system or another. People doing their thang. But. Just doesn't feel like a football crowd a lot of the time.

I suppose England were competent in both games. Getting exposed at the back occasionally. Pedestrian occasionally. And seemingly not playing to their strengths constantly. I know it's not the same. But, Oliver George Arthur Watkins ripped my team apart in the Premier League. Balls played into his channel. Accurately. As he's on the move. They'll kill ya. But, we didn't really see any of that.

And there's expectations. Foden & Bellingham. They impact games. I know International Football is cagey. But, I'm looking to see them constantly, not fleetingly, involved. Wave after wave. Not happening. Sometimes I looked up;

“Oh yeah. Foden is playing. I'd forgotten that.”

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Sorted For Es, But Not Wizz

North Macedonia 1 v England 1 

UEFA EURO 2024 Qualifiers Group C 

Monday 20 November 2023 

Played at Tose Proeski Arena, Skopje 

England Away Game #153 

North Macedonian Beer Ticks #6 

NFDR

No Football Don't Read 

Alcohol Free Heineken on sale in the ground. So, expecting a big demand, they went with this impressive pre-pour. Look at the queues!!!

The other main highlight in the ground was the excellent and (I guess) impromptu tracksuit and bib game from the N Macedonian ballpersons. This one shows them lining up behind the goal as Enis Bardhi steps up for the penalty and opening goal for the North Ms.

The Horrendous Lemons were sorted for Es. But not Wizz. We were let down somewhat by schedule changes from our chosen supplier - WizzAir. That truncated our trip to just two days. Actually arriving on match day FFS.

So truncated in fact, that the advance beer hunting party, upon finding there was only ONE bottle of a particular limited edition beer left on the shelf, bought it for me and saved it on the table, before I had even landed at Skopje Airport.

My Peoples. They were on Cask Mild obvs.

Marsky Matzz, xBEERIMENT 2023 #13, Kiwi Chocolate Coffee Stout from a Bottle at unknown abv.

That was bought in the excellent Beershop Sakim Pivo, Maksim Gorki 25/4, Skopje 1000. And consumed in the equally excellent MicroPub Skopje (next door). I'm not sure of the exact relationship. But, you could grab a bottle or tin off the shelf in the BeerShop, carry it next door to the MicroPub, where you'd be charged for it, top lifted off, glass produced.

The MicroPub itself had four on Keg. 

Pivolabs (Skopje), VEDA, Hoppy Wheat on Keg at 5.2%

That was a great HopfenWeiss style. Some underpinning spice (?coriander). But all helped out by them Hops.

Pivolabs, FOKS Pale Ale on Keg at 6%

A lovely, strong, malty pale. Nice and old skool. With minimal fucking about.

Gluvo Kuche notIPA, on Keg at (the barman guessed 5%)

Oddity. This was in a bar/restaurant called Gluvo Kuche. There was an impressive chalkboard list of North Macedonian & Serbian micro beers. As the Carrier Bag Firm pointed to each one, we were told - Sorry, Gone.

Indeed, as we regrouped at a table to decide how to handle the situation, a stepladder was produced, chalk was produced, and an X was chalked against every beer that was off. I got the distinct impression nobody had asked for a beer off that board since Balkanisation. Lot of fucking Xs man.

The intel was that the IPA on Keg was a House Beer, but was different to the House Beer listed on the menu, so it was not IPA. Love that. Make sure we understand what the beer isn't. They know full well we don't actually care what it IS. Just so long as we can Tick it into the sacred lists.

We finished off our hunt with two excellent stouts.

Pivara Bakrevski (Bitola, North Macedonia, Bak Stout from a bottle at 4.2%

Pivolabs, Winter Fusion - Coffee Vanilla Stout from a bottle at 6%

Keen eyed readers will wish to note the amazing, and frankly worrying, amount of crossing outs on the menu. It was that sort of trip.

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