Are HobNobs Halal?

Sheffield United 2 v Nottingham Forest 0
The Championship
Friday 19 April 2019

SUFC 2018/19 Game 84
2018/19 Football Season Brewery Visits - 103

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Question. Are HobNobs Halal? That was what I caught myself thinking during the first half. It turns out, they are not Halal Certified, according to McVities themselves. I was musing because on the way in to my seat, I had a close encounter/near miss with Prince Abdullah Bin Mosaad Bin Abdulaziz Al Saud - The Big Prinz. I thought, if I could get him & McCabe round to Carrier Bag Towers, get 'em together over coffee & HobNobs, maybe, just maybe we can sort this shit out. But, you know, being an Atheist an’ all that. I wouldn't want to cross any Cultural dead ball line with an inappropriate selection of dunkers.

I'd been invited into the John Street Executive by one of the Carrier Bag Firm Deep Corporate Assets. Just as I scanned in, a side door opened. Fat geezer, with specs & what looked like a black duffle coat came out of said side door. A couple of booted & suiteds with him. I made for the stairs. Duffle & entourage made for the lifts. T'was he. Defendant. Plaintiff. The Accused. The Accuser. Fuck knows. Co-Owner. The Big Prinz. To be serious for a mo’. That's what’s down for us. A Co-Owner, skulking around the back stairs, via a side door, in a Duffely. Presumably, he's not welcome over there in The South Stand. With his Co-Owner, The Board, and sat behind Knill & the other one in the dugout. Or maybe, he prefers to keep out of their way. Or maybe, just maybe. There's a brand of Halal Certified biccies in John Street that they don't have over the other side. Anyway, symptomatic & illustrative of how broken the relationship must be. Oh, and one of the two lifts was broken an’ all. Hope he had to walk…..

“Anyway” I hear you shout “who’s this Deep Corporate Asset maintained by the CBF?” Well, it’s a major surprise he’s still doing business with the CBF, that’s for sure.  I’m sure you’ll all recall the events of 8 November 2016. Just before the England & India Test Match in Mohali. The Government of India announced the demonetisation of all ₹500 and ₹1,000 banknotes of the Mahatma Gandhi Series. I’ll spell it out. The Indian government wanted to stop laundered and counterfeit cash funding organised crime and terrorism. So, overnight, you could no longer use 500 & 1k notes. You could change small amounts for the new ₹500 and ₹2,000 banknotes. If you could fucking find a bank that had any. Several people were reported to have died from standing in queues for hours to exchange their demonetised banknotes. Deaths were also reported as hospitals refused the old banknotes in payment for treatment. By the end of December 2016, political opposition leaders were claiming that over 100 people had died due to the demonetisation.

Alright. Alright. Even by Carrier Bag Firm standards, that is an obscure bit of info. You’re welcome. The thing is, at the 6-0 tonking of Leyton Orient in the FA Cup 1st Round, I’d sold a load of old 500 & 1,000 Rupee Notes to the guy I’m describing as the CBF Deep Corporate Asset. (He & I were both going to the Test in Mohali). That was the Sunday. They were worthless by the Tuesday. Classic.

Anyway. Time passes. Financial parity has been reestablished. He invites me in to John Street Executive sometimes. This time, I bumped into The Big Prinz.  The Deep Corporate Asset is a BIG collector of SUFC Memorabilia. His first season at the Lane was in 1952/53. We won Division Two that year. That’s The Championship in new money (ooohhh FFS don’t mention new money, particularly not new Indian money). Ted Burgin, Fred Furniss, Derek Hawksworth, Alf Ringstead & Joe Shaw all played in all 42 league games. Pride of place in the Deep Corporate Assets memorabilia collection, from that, his first season as a Blade is one of the Division Two Champions Medals presented to one of our stars. Not bad…….

He also owns what he describes as Programme Eight. That is from 1897/98, when we were Champions of Division One (ie The Premier League). That was/is (by consensus) the first season United produced match day programmes. Vol 1 No. 1 was from the Home Game v Derby County on 1 September 1897. My mate owns the programme from 29 December 1897, the Eighth Home League Game v Liverpool. Not a bad Meaningless Bit Of Paper to have. I’ve dubbed him Carrier Bag Firm Deep Corporate Asset - but, let’s have it right, he’s CBF Royalty.

There’s not a lot to say about football on a day like today. It all went from the win at The Lane to Wigan’s smash & grab at Elland Road. Up The ‘Tics. And …… we’re back in the room. I’m a little uncertain as to what was Chicken, what Egg today. We were pretty flat in the first half. And, they went down to ten men v early in the second. But, I thought we were much more at it in the second half - and playing against ten will have helped that. McGoldrick was Man Of The Match for me. How the hell wasn’t he getting games elsewhere. He’s lively. Good on the ball. The lot.

Today’s celebratory beer was To Ol Blossom, from a Bottle at 6.3%. Claims to be brewed with 6 different flowers & leaves. Maybe. Bit of a taste confusion. But, like many times before, the bitterness saves it.

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