Full on Saffering

South Africa 313 all out
v England 238-5
close on Day 2

Friday 15 January 2016

The Wanderers, Johannesburg

Twitter @ball_sup

A few marvellous bits of upside down Saffer nonsense to report.

Firstly, the rows. On the tickets, my seats are in the Upper Tier, Row A. So, I was a bit worried about being on the front row in the sun. Saffered. Rows are lettered from the back. Row A is the BACK ROW.

Secondly, the Hospitality Boxes. Actually, Row A is not the very back. There is a small fence & then two more rows. Which front the Hospitality Boxes. Except. Saffered. They do not like walking ALONG rows to get to the aisles & the Castle. They firmly prefer to climb over seats.

Naturally, this extends to climbing into the Boxes. Where the rows are wider. So, if you've rented a Box. You are on Saffer Route One to the bar. They're constantly climbing over the fence. Walking along the box. And climbing back over to get back in the Aisle.

Thirdly, my personal favourite. Maybe 800 metres from the entrance to the ground. There are hoards of traffic police & Hi Vis stewards. Dozens. Why so many?

Saffered.

Well. Because the ground entry plan requires pedestrians to walk down the middle of the main road. And the cars, to drive DOWN THE PAVEMENT. So, Plod & The Stewards are busy making sure all cars turn off the road onto the pavement. And, pedestrians vice versa.

Fourthly, as the Castle kicked in later on. Two Saffer ladies walk in front of me with a bottle of white wine each. Clearly liberated from a hospitality box. They take it down to their mates in the cheap seats. A problem ensues. No corkscrew.

One of the Saffer fellas takes control. He looks like he has a foolproof way of opening bottles without a corkscrew.

He takes one trainer off (adidas as it happens). Puts the bottle in the trainer “as if it were the leg”. Holds the neck of the bottle horizontally. And bangs the bottle & shoe into the wall. Sole of the shoe into the wall. While holding the bottle horizontally.

He inspects the cork as if some undiscovered law of physics will have expelled it from the bottle. Said cork intact.
What does the Fucker do? Calls for a different type of trainer from one of his mates. And has another fucking go. Saffered.

This was a new Test Cricket day. It's going to take time for me to get used to it. I'm having to rely on scorecards rather than nouse. England nabbed the last three wickets regulation enough.

Bairstow has DROPPED the record equalling seventh catch. On a normal day he'd have left it for Cook anyway.

“Petulant Peter” Anderson has been binned for running on the pitch. Stokes takes over the over. And gets the Tenth with that one ball.

Batting frailties exposed. Cook goes to Viljoen’s first ball in Test Cricket. And at a ridiculous place to start a counter attack, Root & Stokes start a counter attack at 91-4.

120-6 looks shit. But, that weren't it. It was 202-5. And 238-5 at close. Root pushing on to 106.

Topsy Turvy all round.

The beers were;

Jack Black’s, Pale Ale on keg at 4.5%.

Darling Brew, Bone Crusher from a bottle ar 5.2%. Great high quality Wit. Love that. Swirling flavours.

265/542