The You Know, That One Arms

Goole AFC 2 v Handsworth 1 

Northern Counties East League Premier Division (Step 5) 

Tuesday 10 October 2023 

Ground Tick #452 

Partly, that visit to Goole's Victoria Pleasure Grounds, for my 452nd ground tick, was suboptimal. "My" Step 5 team (Hallam) were also playing out that way at Bottesford Town. But partly, that trip to Goole was optimal. Because there is a direct train from Goole to Sheffield. Whereas Bottesford to Sheffield on public transport is ball_ache.

The crowd was announced as 293. My guess would have been waaaaay more than that. The Goole Shed Army certainly made enough noise for many more. Three dozen of them. With a drum. And all the abusive songs.

"We are the Handsworth ….. haters"

Swearing? Fuck me. Potty mouthed. Kids having fun at football basically. Good on 'em.

Goole Station is about ten minutes walk from the Vic Pleasure. My train was a bit late. But, as it pulled out at 22:02, the Shed Army were walking past the station. Still belting out all the songs as they paraded through town. Varmints.

The Sheffield United Organiser, upon hearing a few days ago that I was planning Goole, had insisted I go to that pub near the railway. Of course, he can't remember the fucking name. Unless it's really called the - You Know, That One Arms.

Tom Pudding

20 Pasture Rd, Goole DN14 6EZ

Single room shopfront micropub. A good few in. Including four (regulars I'd wager) sat or standing at the small bar. The barman knew exactly how to handle that though. He made sure I knew that he knew that I'd walked in and would need a beer. I chose from the four that were on.

Bingley Brewery, Dr Rudi, NZ Pale on Cask at 4.1%

That was lovely. Best beer I've had in a while. NZ Hops. Clear as a bell in the glass. Dandelion and salad leaf route one bitterness. Nothing complicated. The bitterness lasted on my palate all the way to the ground. Lovely.

Maybe Handsworth will be a bit disappointed with that result on the night. I felt they'd had the best of the opening shenanigans. They looked good on setpieces. With balls whipped in at pace and accurately. They had two or three good headers in the first half. And hit the bar just before half time.

But, Goole grew into it. They had a great shot on 56. Which The Ambers keeper beat out well. On 62, the Goole striker moved strongly into the box with the ball at his feet. He seemed to dribble it around the Handsworth keeper, but somehow the ball was bundled away from him.

On 68 minutes, Goole scored. A simple move down the right, the ball was played across and swept in nicely at the far post. They made it 2-0 on 74. The Goole crowd around me (not to mention the Shed Army) were getting rattier at some of the Ref & Lino decisions. That went up a whole fucking level on 90 minutes. When a ball came out of the box and a Handsworthanian blasted it back. It hit a Goole-er. Has the Ref really seen what it's hit? Anyway. Handball. Penalty. Converted. Two One. 

To set up a frantic last few minutes. Before the Shed Army went singing into the Goole Gloom.

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Fiiiiiive Non League Games

Horbury Town 1 v Glasshoughton Welfare 2 

Northern Counties East, Division 1 (Step 6) 

Wednesday 28 December 2022 

Hallam 2 v Handsworth 0 

Northern Counties East, Premier (Step 5)

Tuesday 27 December 2022 

Dagenham & Redbridge 1 v Maidstone United 0 

National League (Step 1) 

Monday 26 December 2022 

Frenford 2 v Barkingside 0 

Eastern Counties, First Division South (Step 6) 

Monday 26 December 2022 

Barking 0 v Romford 2 

Essex Senior League (Step 5) 

Friday 23 December 2022 

Fiiiiiive Non League games, four new grounds…

Horbury Town 

Horbury Town's pile at the Slazengers Sports Club was the 412th ground I've ticked football on. New to proper football at Step 6 this season. There's a nice "garden centre" style white plastic fence surrounding the pitch. A correct per regulations exact fifty seater stand. (Incidentally, dumped by forklift too far from the pitch, many of the 220 crowd stood it front of it anyway, uninhabited during the game). Also half a dozen horses - welcome to West Yorkshire!!!!

Two red cards. Glasshoughton went ahead on 17. A hoofed free kick from his own half into the mixer went straight in over the (looked like a young kid to me) keeper.

On 75, there was a goalmouth melee. A close range thunderbastard from Horbury was handled by/hit the Glassy defender. Penalty (banged home) and straight red. After a bit of timewasting & magic sponging, there were seven minutes added on. At 90+4, a Horburyian was redded for a last man foul. The free kick was knocked against the bar and a Glassywegian pumped the rebound home. Wild West (Yorkshire) celebrations on 90+6.

Hallam

Remarkable again up at Sandygate. 1,029 human souls, on a cold, windy, a bit of rainy day. They'll have also taken a fortune at the food kiosk and the bar. Goals on 75 and 80 won it for Hallam. We were just making our way to the 1860 Bar, in the hope of being served, as the second went in. Meaning we were in pole position for the man of the match presentation to keeper Hugo Warhurst.

We, understandably, were on;

SALT, Loom, Pale Ale on Keg at 4%

Dagenham & Redbridge 

A late contender for Non League Bus Of The Year whisked us to within mooching distance of the Daggers Victoria Road home. The #145, Leytonstone to Dagenham ASDA, stopped at the end of the drive at our 11am Boxing Day First Leg at Frenford. Giving us a nice leisurely trip to the 3pm Second Leg.

We stuck our head in the Big n Busy Clubhouse. Cask clips turned around I'm afraid. We stood on the long, low, covered terrace. Along with the 14 to 64 year old sent from Central Casting East End Geezers. A nice surface allowing some flowing skills at times. A great curling shot on 37 won it for the No One Really Mentions Redbridge-ers.

Frenford

Great find for a Boxing Day morning. Allowing some Double Header action. The pitch is visible from the main road, down a wide drive. School on your right. Sports centre ahead of you. The 3G standard cage on your left. Two small, regulation stands on one side. We had to Buzz In to get on the complex.

A thoroughly enjoyable game. Frenford were one of those teams with a number of "mature" players who really know how to play at this level. Midfielder who barely moves from the centre circle, but most of the play goes through him, and he's available for every pass. Centre back who wins headers, and every header is deliberately directed wide and out of danger. Striker, using what pace he's got before his knees go, staying just onside on every move and leaning his marker out of the way. Goals on 20 & 70 won it for Frenford.

Barking 

A 3G pitch in a older football ground setting, rather than a new build cage setting. It's Barking's ground. But today's visitors, Romford, also use it as their home ground as tenants. I was a bit disappointed there wasn't more of a feral, East End rivalry, atmosphere. A pretty frenetic game, particularly for the first 20. The tenants won it.

The Hypochondria

My name is Phil, I'm a Type II Diabetic. My BMI is 24.7. I chucked the lot in over Christmas Day & Boxing Day. Trifle, Cheesecake, Cake, Ice Cream, a few Chocolates, a few Wine Gums. But, the only alcohol I had was the beer at Hallam. I also feel like I'm now back on track. Hoping for a Blood Test in four weeks. The plan (until then) remains no indiscriminate choccies, biccies, sweeties or ice cream. And a few beers only on proper awaydays. While trying to keep my seven day average under 14 units. Still emphasising - I don't feel ill, indeed, I feel fiddle fit. Just the sugar numbers in my blood causing a long term concern. I'm finding it motivating to keep explaining in my Blog. Cheers.

I average THREE units of alcohol per week over the past 7 days.

And, my 30 day average units of alcohol is EIGHT per week.

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Some Tasteless Comments

Handsworth 4 v Silsden 2 

Northern Counties East Football League 

Premier Division 

Saturday 31 July 2021 

For the time being, this is reverting to a Ball Blog. I'll be Blogging about football (and cricket). And I won't be Blogging about Beer. Certainly not today. I in no way wish to underplay the REAL problems people are experiencing with Covid. Waving off loved ones into an Ambulance, not being with them, worrying about when they'll see them next, and in what circumstances. Family & friends passing away. Businesses ruined. REAL problems.

But, I am going to highlight the insidious, hidden problems of Covid. I Blog about Beer. Piney, rich & bitter IPAs. Tropical & peachy pales. Sweet & indulgent stouts. And, I enjoy Blogging. It puts a real smile on my face. But, now, I am recovering from Covid. And. I can taste fuck all. And the Blogs gone to hell in a handpull. 

(Not diminishing those with REAL Covid problems, but speaking selfishly)

And, of course, in different circumstances I'd have been at Bramall Lane today. That Parade was off because opponents Norwich City were Covid addled. How the hell did we rhetorically get here? How the hell?

Still. Thoroughly enjoyable dry afternoon out at Handsworth for the first NCEL league game of the season. Handsworth two nil up by 36 mins. Two one on 59. Three one just a minute later. Three two on 79, as by then ten man Silsden chucked the lot at it. But, a Handsworth breakaway on 90 put the lid on.

Sorry. I don't really know enough about either team to go into more details than that.

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You Can't Hide With A Bandaged Head

Sheffield Collegiate CC 167 for 8 

beat 

Hallam CC 142 all out 

by 25 runs 

Yorkshire South Premier League 

Jack Bland Trophy 

Western Group 

Played at Abbeydale Park, Sheffield 

Monday 31 August 2020 

Maltby Main 2 v Handsworth 1 

FA Cup Extra Preliminary Round 

Tuesday 1 September 2020 

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Right. It's September. If you've already had a game with a 150 limit. You're allowed 300 now. Woo. And indeed. Hoo. Maltby announced the crowd as 293. 

Right. It's September. That means (checks notes) the FA Cup. Competitive. Football.

Right. It's Competitive Football. That means the Sheffield United Carrier Bag Firm are FULLY REPPING. I didn't do a full audit. But, I've noted the names of eight CBF at that game. Plus one Chelsea. Naturally, the CBF exchange information. Naturally, as the Chronicler of the Carrier Bag Firm, I capture the most extreme bits of that information for this posterity Blog.

For instance. Are you aware that there is a Facebook Group dedicated to taking & posting pictures of Corner Flags? The Corner Flag Cornucopia Group. Surely, this is the content you're here for.

Right. It's September. It's Competitive Football. The CBF are busting the seams of Muglet Lane. Surely, the FA Cup itself is here as we begin - The Road To Wembley. Well …. sort of. My new acquaintance John from Maltby jointly owns replicas of the Premier League Trophy, The Champions League Trophy. And, natch, a replica of the FA Cup. All bought off eBay. (I know….)

Tonight. Their replica of the FA Cup is front & centre as you squeeze through the turnstile. You can have your photo with it for One Maltby Pound. It's fair to say - it's all going on tonight.

Right. Let's zoom to the end. Ten man Maltby were a goal down going into the last 5 mins. And, won two one. Did I mention the FA Cup yet?

The game changed on 43 minutes. There had been the usual criticism of the referee. Me. Personally. I'm against it. But, this game MATTERED to the players, staff & fans. So, if they think he's got it wrong they'll go after him/her. I was just jotting down the latest comment aimed by a player at the frankly petite & young looking ref after another moody decision.

"Stop arguing with the Ref, he's only eighteen"

As my titters were subsiding, an off the deck, the lot going in, tackle by Maltby's Luke Fletcher had us all wincing on the Cricket Field Side. Now, I need to explain. Number 11, Luke Fletcher had already been off the field for 5 minutes. Having extensive treatment for a cut to his yet to be lost head. He'd had to switch his blood stained shirt for Number 18. And, he'd got the full Terry Butcher, Horror Movie bandage wrapped around his noggin. Anyway. Bang. He's put that tackle in. Handsworth have surrounded the Ref. There is shoving. And the inevitable pushing. Luke gets himself out of there. No point getting further involved. Jogs to the other side of the penalty area. Still a mayhem of pointing & shouting over the far side. The Ref consults The Lino. I imagine the conversation went;

"Who was it?"

"Him, are you sure?"

"We don't want to send the wrong guy off"

"How can it be 18, there isn't an 18 on the sheet?"

The Lino, now a bit frustrated….

"Yes, him with the big fucking bandage on who you can't miss"

Red. Ten Men. Handsworth scored on the hour. A corner swung over. A lot of bodies in there. And Sam Smith half headed, half bundled the ball into the bottom corner. But, with the possibility of going out of the Cup, with a replica of the Cup owned by two Maltbytesers looking on.. It was all Maltby from then. 

Riveting. You couldn't take your eyes off it. Both the equaliser & the winner had a similar feel to them. Were they shots? Were they crosses? Either way. Handsworth keeper should deal with them. But, it's Maltby in the Velvet Bag. (Actually, not true, Preliminary Round Draw already made - Newark at home)

The drink was actually Cricket Cans at Abbeydale Park the day before. I'm getting to the end of the three for a fiver Tesco Bangers.

Vocation Brewery, Pride & Joy, Pale Ale at 5.3%

Thoroughly enjoyable. Suits sitting in the old folding chair, as the cricket unfolds in front of you. Gentle tangerine Fanta. Into healthy, lengthy bitterness.

Stats

I have now Blogged from 922 games in 2,205 days

Just Who Is El Socko

Handsworth 2 v Dronfield Town 0 

Step 5 v Step 6 Pre Season Friendly 

Friday 28 August 2020 

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Crowd announced as 78 tonight. Nine down from Wednesday night. That despite Dronny having a bigger Firm here than North Gawber had. I'm going to guess the weather was a factor. In this, The Drowned Rat Spectator Derby.

Who is the Brazilian lad he looks decent?

It's funny how football kits play with your head isn't it? Games coming thick and fast for Handsworth. I think they had to dig deep into the kit bag. Maybe the plan was to make multiple changes at half time. The Teamsheet Tweet worryingly said No Subs. Anyway the Amber's lined up in All Amber. And the bench was packed. The plan went South. In real time, it looked very odd. A Handsworth lad went down with a pull on the far side from the dugout. That far side happens to be the way to the changing rooms. So, after a good bit of treatment, we were a bit perplexed when, clearly done for the day, he was helped all the way across the pitch to the dugout.  Knowing full well he'd have to be helped all the way back round to our side, where he fucking started, to get to the changing rooms. Odd.

But, of course, doh, Handsworth basically had a green shirt for the keeper and 10 Amber's for the rest. Even following many recent crazy FIFA Directives, the Sub, wearing ALL WHITE, is not allowed to come on for the team playing in ALL AMBER. It's the Law.

The poor crocked fella, unable to walk unaided, was trotted a good 70 yards. Whipped his shirt off. Pulled his shorts down. And handed them over to his subbing mucka.

Common sense prevailed. The Amber socks didn't come off. The white socks stayed on. So, the kid (inevitably now dubbed El Socko by the Carrier Bag Firm for the rest of the game) comes on in a fetching Amber Amber White combo. I swear to Wilder, making him look for all the world Brazilian. Kits eh. How does that work?

Second half of course, the new lot come on in All White. He's the only one in Amber shorts. So. Of course. Looks like El Twato.

Lots of chances in a well fought competitive game. I was a bit surprised that it stayed Nilling until 81 when Handsworth opened it. And sealed it with a second in Short Swapping (sometimes called Injury) Time.

The drink was in the Handsworth Clubhouse. Might as well keep the Moolah in the Football Family. Although, to be honest, I'm not sure the piss wet through, bedraggled sight I'd become would have been let into a normal pub. Not even in Handsworth.

Blue Moon, Belgian White on keg at 5.4%

(choice a bit limited as you'd expect).

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Most of the game with nine men (allegedly)

Handsworth 4 v North Gawber Colliery 2 

Pre Season Friendly 

Wednesday 26 August 2020 

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Handsworth announced the crowd as 87. One of the Carrier Bag Firm did a head count from a static position. He made it 98. Impressive, simple organisation over at Handsworth. If you want to, you text them your name & number. When they get a second, they text you back. Confirming you're on the list of (in this case) max 150. You turn up. He (in this case) crosses you off, zaps your temperature with the handheld gizmo (Maplins would be making a fortune if they were still at it) and you're in. Free admission - with added donation bucket.

Forgive me. I'm building an idea of the levels. Handsworth are Step 5. North Gawber are at Step 7. But obvs. I don't know the players. So I don't know whether they're playing full strength. Anyway. Jeez. North Gawber started out of the blocks. I checked my watch. They opened the scoring in 32 SECONDS. And were two up inside ten. 

It was what proper reporters would call - a feisty affair. Or. As you & me would put it - there was a good bit of bollocks. One of those everybody in except one goalkeeper fracas. Ends with a North Gawberite Red Card. And, that weren't the last. They ended with NINE and ran out of steam a bit. I see that North Gawber Twitter have calculated that - with Sin Bins - they played 75% of the game with nine men. Good fucking job they scored early then!

Handsworth missed a penalty on 56. Still two down. By 75 mins, it was back level at two each. Then another penalty to Handsworth. Keeper sent off. My fellow Carrier Bagger called it. "If you've got no sub keeper, just put the lankiest kid in". Well. That was ignored. Some short, stocky lad looking dwarfed under the bar as the penalty was whanged past him for 3-2. Great entertainment though from two committed teams.

The Drink had been tagged on to Rishi Sunak Discount Day at The Kommune in Sheffield. Purchased from Hop Hideout it was….

Saint Mary's Of The Desert, Pinocchio Pilz on keg at 4.9%. (For some bizarre reason, it tasted stronger than that). Described as Saaz Hopped Pilsner Lager. However you describe it, it was glorious. Crisp. Hoppy. And full of flavour. Not overcomplicated. In yet another bizarre twist, the finish reminded me of an old days American, American Pale.

Stats

I have now Blogged from 918 games in 2,199 days