Late Night Lino

Hallam 6 v Maltby Main 1 

Northern Counties East League, Premier Division (Step 5) 

Tuesday 16 April 2024 

One of the Carrier Bag Firm was a tad surprised to be greeted by one of the warming up linesman as he made his way past the 1860 Bar.

“Who was that?”

“Dunno. He obviously knew me. Anyway. I'm a bit knackered. Been on call all night. Had two ridic call outs.”

“Ooohhh fuck. What happened?”

“One fella has filled his van up with fuel at 3am. His Company Card wouldn't work. So he's rang me on the on call number. I've had to get out of bed, drive down there, and pay for it with my card.”

“Jeeeez. That's a waste of time.”

“Tell me about it. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. It's him. The linesman. I've just realised. It's him. He's the Bloke I had to rescue at 3am. That's how he knows me.”

Dear reader. Please write your own linesmen jokes as you see fit.

“Missed that one lino. Bit dozy. Haven't you had any sleep?”

“You weren't up with play for that one lino. Haven't you got any gas in yer tank?”

“What's up with the Ref lino? Has he lost his cards?”

Et Fucking Cetera.

The CBF made like Fridge Raiders for this one. I just felt we'd accumulated a few too many cans in the fridge for various nefarious. With Hallam home games running out, we needed to reduce the stock.

Lock Ten Brewing Co. Lager from a Tin at 4.6%

That's from the Aldi stable. Maybe, just maybe, brewed by Freedom Brewery in Staffordshire. I've had some decent lagers out of Aldi in 330s. This weren't one. And a sort of orange/red can. Not particularly smuggleableinable. Could pass as a Dr Peppers can I suppose.

Lock Ten Brewing Co., American IPA from a Tin at 5.5%

Much, much better. Some pine. And a whack of intense bitter. Nice beer. Maybe pass for a Vimto can.

Next match. Aldi Dry Cider. Don't watch this space!!!

Mad game.

Maltby are finishing rock bottom of the Prem. Hallam can't make the playoffs. But, will finish in a very respectable position. 

Stuart Ludlam had to be subbed at 18. And, with Hallam 5-1 up on 61 minutes, Craig Denton decided to give some of his big guns a rest. He fetched off Blackburn, Fearon and Wilson. Using all his remaining Subs.

On 61, Lewis Macaskill completed a superb Hat Trick to make it 6-1. Unfortunately, he's lasted about another ten minutes before having to hobble off with Hallam then down to ten. On 78, Brandon Bradbury needed extensive treatment. He was clearly not up to continuing. But, already down to ten, Hallam shuffled to use Brandon as a roundabout in midfield.

All this time, keeper Hugo Warhurst was limping around following a knock.

But, he persevered. And the other other eight plus roundabout got Hallam over the line. Reasonably easy when you're six one up.

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Good Beer, Bad Barman

Brighton & Hove Albion 1 v Sheffield United 1 

Premier League 

Sunday 12 November 2023 

SUFC 2023/24 Game #24 

Hallam 3 v Silsden 0 

Northern Counties East League, Premier (Step 5) 

Tuesday 14 November 2023 

Eccleshill United 3 v Maltby Main 0 

Northern Counties East League, Premier (Step 5) 

Wednesday 15 November 2023 

Ground Tick #458 

Brighton

Simple thing innit? Even though you're struggling. Even though you're not playing well. At one nil, you're still in the game. The Carrier Bag Firm celebrated that point on the concourse (in the hope the queues for the trains would die down. Narrator - they didn't) with the pictured pint;

Harvey's Brewery (Lewes), Sussex Best, Bitter on Cask at 4%

In general, I love Harvey's beers. Long established recipes, using proper English ingredients. Water filtered through the Sussex Downs (a bit pompous, but I'll give ‘em that). And their own 60 year old yeast strain.

Earlier in the day, we'd had a Good Beer, Bad Barman incident at the John Harvey Tavern in Lewes. That's essentially Harvey's brewery tap, down a street opposite the brewery. Six real ales on. Including Sussex Best always on Gravity.

Harvey's, Armada Ale, Golden Ale on Cask at 4.5%

That was glorious. Pump clip says Dry Hopped. A good bit of hay & grass on it. It tasted packed with hops. Served by a very friendly and welcoming barman.

And. Then. I went back for the next ‘un on the list. Different barman. He's got his back to the customers (ie me). He's a-pfaffing an’ a-fiddlin’ on his phone. Eventually he turns around. I order the next beer. He selects a pristine glass off the rack. Picks up a half filled glass of beer off the shelf under the bar and pours that beer into my clean glass. For the avoidance of doubt, he's not pulled my beer fresh from the pump, he's recycling one from another glass.

“Where's that one come from mate?”

“(flustered) From the cellar…”

“Right, I'll have a fresh one. From the pump. Please.”

“I've literally only just poured that one into this other glass.”

“Oh right. Why did you do that then if no one had ordered it?”

“I've literally just pulled it into this other glass.”

“Let's make sure we're not at cross purposes. I've ordered a beer. You've just poured that beer from one glass into another glass. And you're about to charge me for it. That's what has happened. Right? Because if that's happened. I'll have a fresh one from the pump.”

“Alright mate. I've literally just pulled it.”

At this point. Despite the fact that it's a great pub. Serving great beer. The customer mutters a silent - Fuck Off. And fucks off. Poor.

Hallam

You knows what beer I've had up at Sandygate. Currently, the best Footie Beer on the Island.

SALT, Loom, Pale Ale on Keg at a Footie Friendly Four

In the second half, my Carrier Bag Firm comrade noticed and mentioned that the fella in front was swigging from a can. She was curious as to its contents.

“Ask him, it's non-league, you can fucking ask anyone owt at non-league. From the artwork it looks to me like either Brew York or Northern Monk.”

Matey shows us the can. Engages in dialogue about where he bought it. And what sort of beers he likes and usually drinks. This is what we go to school for. Turns out it's;

Vocation Brewery, Tuscan Truffle, Espresso Martini Tiramisu Imperial Stout at 10%.

Fuck Sake mate. That is deffo NOT a footie beer. The Carrier Bag Firm salute you.

A rather disappointing 312 up the hill. But, it was a shocking night. A great win for The Countrymen. Three wins on the bounce in the league. Unbeaten in four in the league. Currently eighth in the table. One point behind opponents Silsden. And, in touch with the play offs.

Hallam opened it on just 2 minutes. A deep header from a corner. Begat a second header into the six yard. Nathan Cartman controlling it, spinning and knocking it home.

On 15, a hang it up there for the big lad corner, a right on his noggin header, a yard(ish) above his marker, and Dan Burns made it two. A header so timeless, I've had to nick the photo off Twitter.

Once a Blade, always a Blade Hugo Warhurst kept Hallam in it with a number of excellent saves. I was amazed he wasn't named MoM. But, let me say unequivocally, I'm biased. Hugo saves a lot of shots with his legs and feet. That's because he keeps his eye on the ball, and uses everything he's got to form an impenetrable barrier, if you get a shot off, it'll hit him. Great to watch.

Hallam made it three nil on 56. Matthews jinked past defenders wide right. Pulled it back from the line. Calum Ward knocked it home.

There was utter madness on 85. Silsden had their chances. Hugo did his stuff. And suddenly, the Hallam bench exploded. Mainly at the nearest lino. Some bad fucking language I can tell you.

From what I could make out, Hallam players had asked the officials - how long added on. The message got passed around on the wind. When it was relayed to the bench, we were in - send three & fourpence we're going to a dance - territory.

“Lino, lino, where the fuck have you got seventeen minutes from?”

All. Hell. Loose.

A marvelous bit of reffing in the face of abuse. Calmly explained they'd misunderstood and it was Seven Minutes. Upon which information they sat sheepishly. Classic.

Eccleshill United

Gratuitous 458th ground tick, no beer visit to wherever that is.

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We Grow It, We Brew It, We Drink It

Kiveton Miners Welfare (Step 7) 1 v Maltby Main (Step 5) 1 

Friendly 

Saturday 1 July 2023 

Lancashire 274 all out 

v Surrey 360 all out 

Lancashire 113 for 4 

County Championship Division One

Close on (a gratuitous) Day Two 

Monday 26 June 2023 

Played at The Oval 

In what I can only describe as a truly remarkable Carrier Bag Firm Beer week, we have been brewing the fucker, as well as drinking it. Indeed, it gets wilder. "We" also grew the fucking ingredients for the beer!!! ish.

The Brew Day was at the wonderful Grizzly Grains in Sheffield S2. And, it was organised by The Sheffield Wheat Experiment. Which has over two hundred people growing patches of Heritage Wheat in gardens, allotments & fields. One of those allotments is lovingly tended by a Carrier Bag Firm footsoldier. Currently, that allotment is delivering Broad Beans, which I myself am crafting into an award winning Decke Bunne. Later in the year, onions and potatoes will be harvested. Those will feature front & centre in my deeeelish Vegetable Biryani.

But, a slab of the allotment is also given over to wheat as part of The Sheffield Wheat Experiment.

Now, full disclosure, the wheat in that recent photo has not yet been harvested. So, strictly speaking, it was not pukka CBF wheat used in the Brew Day at Grizzly Grains. But, we did Brew with Wheat from The Experiment. So, you'll understand why I'm fucking claiming it.

Here's the paperwork;

It is my understanding that the Hops which Sam (The Brewer) pulled out of the store cupboard were more bitter than the recipe called for and had to be dialed down a bit in the brew. And coriander was substituted by three camomile teabags. Aside - I was a bit stunned by that - surely just three teabags would have no impact in a kettle full of beer.

When we arrived in the morning, I had no confirmation of what we'd be brewing. But. You know. Wheat. Hoping for a wheat beer aren't we? Hopfenweisse? Hefeweissen? That ball park? And, I was delighted to hear it'd be a Belgian Wit - perfect. But, immediately trepidatious. What if the Brewer wants to fuck about with it? Put all sorts of nonsense in. We're the Carrier Bag Firm, this is The Sheffield Wheat Experiment, play it straight. So, I was mildly relieved to hear of Orange Peel and just three camomile teabags.

Here's the unmalted Sheffield Wheat Ready to go into the Mash.

That was joined by Lager Malt and Rolled Oats. And by Rice Husks. Rice Husks? Yes, Rice Husks. Having quizzed Sam extensively on why the fuck, Rice Husks? I can only paraphrase;

"So the used, spent Grains don't set like fucking concrete."

That porridge was stirred into straight out the tap Sheffield Water at 76°. And then the magic was allowed to happen at 60°. 

Once the hot liquor has been inundated with the malt sugars in the Mash Tun, it is drained off and sparged (washed through) as Wort. Mate, I am down with ALL the terminology. Here's the Wort in the Kettle.

And here's, what I will generically call, all the shit that is left. Including, obvs, the Sheffield Wheat.

The Wort has to be brought to the boil. When it's bubbling away, the Hops go in. The recipe called for Hellertau Hersbrucker. When quizzed as to the supply chain for such an exotic product, Sam explained;

"I buy them from a warehouse in Attercliffe."

Sheffield. Right there. Ladies & Gentlemen.

Now. I'm a HopHead. Hopped Beers are my thang. I dug my heels in. I minced. I stropped. I don't care about anyone else's feelings. I don't care who's grown the fucking wheat. I'm putting the Hops in. End. Of.

Long Boil. More Hops. Orange Peel. Teabags (FFS). Once we're all cooled down, it's time for the yeast. The yeast, as well as adding it's own flavour to the beer, will turn all that sugar squeezed out of The Sheffield Wheat Experiment into alcohol. Some fucking wizardry there. So. What does Sam pull out of the cupboard? Some strange potion? Some undefined magic dust. No. Sachets labelled;

"Mangrove Jack's M21 Belgian Wit Yeast."

Presumably, they'd run out of Aldi Own Brand.

All piss taking aside. What a great day. Thanks to The Sheffield Wheat Experiment, the heroes who grew the Wheat, and Sam at Grizzly Grains. We headed off into the Sheffield afternoon. With our Belgian Wit beginning to ferment. One day, and one day soon, that'll end up (I understand) in bottles. And the Carrier Bag Firm will be knocking Civilians out of the way to taste it. Stay Tuned.

You will not be surprised to learn that everything at Grizzly Grains had to be fastidiously clean & sterilised. So, here we are at Kiveton Miners Welfare for the first pre season friendly. Where. As you might fucking guess, no one has been anywhere near the seats or surrounds with anything remotely resembling a bucket of soapy water and a sponge. Let alone a fucking spanner to bolt the seats back together again. Just grim. And, I'm not singling out the Kivo volunteers. It's like that at a lot of clubs.

But, that doesn't put too much of a dampener on my Ground Tick 430.

Anyway. Good game. No Linos. I've no idea whether they've put out full strength or experimental teams. But, it was committed. And clean. Maltby finished 13 of 20 in last season's Northern Counties East Premier Division (Step 5). And Kiveton Miners Welfare finished 12 of 15 in the Central Midlands League Premier Division North - call that Step 7.

Kivo held their own. They were always in it. Both sides created chances. End to end stuff for most of the 90. A few defensive lapses in midfield meant it was a game of turnovers. But, those lead to some committed recovery chases. And, some stand tall, make yourself big goalkeeping on the edge of the box.

One defensive slip lead to the Maltby opener on 27. Calmly rolled home.

As the game progressed, Kiveton were getting the ball into the box. But, they lacked support in there, not many runs, and just missing a bit of sharpness. 

Another Maltby slip on 62, and the Kiveton lad took it into the box. He got it a bit stuck between his feet and the keeper did well to block it. But his Kiveton teammate rolled the rebound home for one each.

There was still time for Kiveton to rattle a post hard on 78. Before honours even.

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Maltby The Third

Maltby Main 0 v Newark 4 

FA Cup Preliminary Round 

Saturday 12 September 2020 

Football With Fans Game #10 

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Mad. My THIRD visit to Maltby this "season". Chance for a drink an' all. In The Queens Hotel ('spoons). Starting at the bottom;

Geeves Brewery, Clear Cut, Pale Ale on cask at 4.4%. I returned to that one, as I had really enjoyed it previously. However. I didn't love that one nearly as much. The sourness was a bit too much in this one.

Welbeck Abbey Brewery, Portland Black, Porter on cask at 4.5%. Great first up. But died a bit in the glass. Vanilla, choco & red fruit in the background. Nice balance. Fairly easy drinking. Needs an oooommmmpppphhhh from one of those flavours I feel. But, nice beer.

And, Outstanding Beer Of The Day. Welbeck Abbey Brewery, Watermeadows on cask at 4.5%. Billed as a cask lager. (I'm a sucker for that description). Made with Slovenian Dana Hops.

That was a great beer. But much more floral & bitter than I expected.  Not pucker up bitter. But very long. And all Hail that. Packed a lot in.

And. That turned out to be a flat game for us Maltby Newbies. Which Newark dominated. (Reminder - both teams are Step 5). 

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I have now Blogged from 927 games in 2,216 days

You Can't Hide With A Bandaged Head

Sheffield Collegiate CC 167 for 8 

beat 

Hallam CC 142 all out 

by 25 runs 

Yorkshire South Premier League 

Jack Bland Trophy 

Western Group 

Played at Abbeydale Park, Sheffield 

Monday 31 August 2020 

Maltby Main 2 v Handsworth 1 

FA Cup Extra Preliminary Round 

Tuesday 1 September 2020 

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Right. It's September. If you've already had a game with a 150 limit. You're allowed 300 now. Woo. And indeed. Hoo. Maltby announced the crowd as 293. 

Right. It's September. That means (checks notes) the FA Cup. Competitive. Football.

Right. It's Competitive Football. That means the Sheffield United Carrier Bag Firm are FULLY REPPING. I didn't do a full audit. But, I've noted the names of eight CBF at that game. Plus one Chelsea. Naturally, the CBF exchange information. Naturally, as the Chronicler of the Carrier Bag Firm, I capture the most extreme bits of that information for this posterity Blog.

For instance. Are you aware that there is a Facebook Group dedicated to taking & posting pictures of Corner Flags? The Corner Flag Cornucopia Group. Surely, this is the content you're here for.

Right. It's September. It's Competitive Football. The CBF are busting the seams of Muglet Lane. Surely, the FA Cup itself is here as we begin - The Road To Wembley. Well …. sort of. My new acquaintance John from Maltby jointly owns replicas of the Premier League Trophy, The Champions League Trophy. And, natch, a replica of the FA Cup. All bought off eBay. (I know….)

Tonight. Their replica of the FA Cup is front & centre as you squeeze through the turnstile. You can have your photo with it for One Maltby Pound. It's fair to say - it's all going on tonight.

Right. Let's zoom to the end. Ten man Maltby were a goal down going into the last 5 mins. And, won two one. Did I mention the FA Cup yet?

The game changed on 43 minutes. There had been the usual criticism of the referee. Me. Personally. I'm against it. But, this game MATTERED to the players, staff & fans. So, if they think he's got it wrong they'll go after him/her. I was just jotting down the latest comment aimed by a player at the frankly petite & young looking ref after another moody decision.

"Stop arguing with the Ref, he's only eighteen"

As my titters were subsiding, an off the deck, the lot going in, tackle by Maltby's Luke Fletcher had us all wincing on the Cricket Field Side. Now, I need to explain. Number 11, Luke Fletcher had already been off the field for 5 minutes. Having extensive treatment for a cut to his yet to be lost head. He'd had to switch his blood stained shirt for Number 18. And, he'd got the full Terry Butcher, Horror Movie bandage wrapped around his noggin. Anyway. Bang. He's put that tackle in. Handsworth have surrounded the Ref. There is shoving. And the inevitable pushing. Luke gets himself out of there. No point getting further involved. Jogs to the other side of the penalty area. Still a mayhem of pointing & shouting over the far side. The Ref consults The Lino. I imagine the conversation went;

"Who was it?"

"Him, are you sure?"

"We don't want to send the wrong guy off"

"How can it be 18, there isn't an 18 on the sheet?"

The Lino, now a bit frustrated….

"Yes, him with the big fucking bandage on who you can't miss"

Red. Ten Men. Handsworth scored on the hour. A corner swung over. A lot of bodies in there. And Sam Smith half headed, half bundled the ball into the bottom corner. But, with the possibility of going out of the Cup, with a replica of the Cup owned by two Maltbytesers looking on.. It was all Maltby from then. 

Riveting. You couldn't take your eyes off it. Both the equaliser & the winner had a similar feel to them. Were they shots? Were they crosses? Either way. Handsworth keeper should deal with them. But, it's Maltby in the Velvet Bag. (Actually, not true, Preliminary Round Draw already made - Newark at home)

The drink was actually Cricket Cans at Abbeydale Park the day before. I'm getting to the end of the three for a fiver Tesco Bangers.

Vocation Brewery, Pride & Joy, Pale Ale at 5.3%

Thoroughly enjoyable. Suits sitting in the old folding chair, as the cricket unfolds in front of you. Gentle tangerine Fanta. Into healthy, lengthy bitterness.

Stats

I have now Blogged from 922 games in 2,205 days

There's No Showers Either

Maltby Main 1 v Worksop Town 0 

Step 5 v Step 4 Pre Season Friendly 

Saturday 29 August 2020 

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Crowd announced as 149 this afts. Remember, it's a 150 limit as we're still in August. So. I'm gonna act like The Go-Go's & Fun Boy Three on that one.

The Carrier Bag Firm like to get around on their adventures. They like a drink. And, they have to save every penny for eBay auctions of obscure Teamsheets & Match Worn Shirts. They are also famously inclusive & eco friendly. Consequently, none of them can drive nor afford a car. Public Transport. Upon which in South Yorkshire, masks have become a Thing Of The Past. Public Transport is key to the effectiveness of the CBF.

Name a better place for leaving the ground & catching the Bus than Maltby Main's Muglet Lane. I'll wait……

Let me explain with this graphic. The game kicks off at 3pm. The Magical X1, Maltby to Sheffield Bus is timed at 1645pm. Time. Is. Tight. Fear not. You can stand bang near the Player's Gate. Near the corner flag. Marked A on the graphic. Happily watching the game. Until you first see the X1 as it appears over the diagonal opposite corner flag. At point B on the graphic. Saddle Up. The Bus then meanders behind the goal on it's inevitable circumnavigation of Muglet Lane. The conveniently placed adjacent Cricket Square & three more stops, slow the X ONE down enough for the CBF to gracefully waddle to the Bus Stop (C on the graphic) in plenty of time. Arm out. Mask on. Dig out South Yorkshire Romper from the Precious Bag. Taking great care not to crease The Programme. We're On Our Way. FFS that should be made a Standard League Requirement.

I felt that was a deserved win for Maltby. Lots of movement. Particularly out wide. Target man. With runners looking for the flicks. Although it was competitive. And, they didn't completely dominate. I felt they were much the better side. There had been some "strong' tackles from early doors. And a bit of in your face fun. It kicked off royally on 68. Eyeballs out. All in. Which ended with a Maltbyarianite rolling about on the deck clutching his head. But. Mainly rolling.

The Maltby Ultras were in NO doubt who the villain was.

"Eleven. Eleven. He's got to go. He's got to go"

Loud? All I'm saying is people were looking up from their phones on the circling X1 wondering what the fuck was happening. The Ref agreed. Red Card. And. Then. Ultra One has only gone and dragged the Covid-19 Social Distancing Changing Room Square Footage Protocols into his abuse as Worksop Eleven has trudged off.

"There's no showers either".

Not helpful Young Man.

By that time, Maltby were one up. A breakaway. My main reaction after the ball was rolled across & knocked in was that he'd been fouled twice in the build up. A trip. And a check. But he's stuck on his feet & got his reward.

I see the Maltby Miners Welfare Club has gone now. Windows boarded up. Front overgrown. Graffiti prevalent. Gone. The drink was in The Queens Hotel 'spoons up the road.

Acorn Brewery, Eureka IPA on cask at 5%.

On first schlurp, I thought that was going to be a tough ask. It took an age to clear. It was very powerful. And natch, all about that Hop. Once I got into it, I began to really enjoy it. It was just incredibly fruity. Very rich. And the bitter was very late.

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I have now Blogged from 920 games in 2,202 days

Itchy Pig

Maltby Main 2 v Sheffield United 1
(Billed as United Futures)

Saturday 30 July 2016

Pre Season Friendly

Twitter @ball_sup

The life & times of the Ball Suppers. A Microbrewery & a Beer Festival yesterday en route Handsworth Parramore at Worksop. To a Beer Desert today. Glossop North End’s place at the top of the SUFC pre-season Clubhouse Leaderboard is safe for the moment. No Clubhouse at Maltby Main!

The nearby Maltby Main Miners Welfare didn't have Cask on. “Luckily” I'd done my Warm Ups. And snaffled a Daleside, Square Rigger IPA on cask at 4.5% before leaving Sheffield.

176th bit of grass watching an SUFC XI.

Right, I also couldn't resist the opening night of the new The Itchy Pig Ale House (Micropub) in Broomhill. My bus passes the door. I'm cutting it slack. First nights. Nerves an’ all that.

A lot in. Maybe friends of the owners. Nothing wrong in that. But, made for a lot of people, in a small gaff, noise reverberating. Brayers in. I'll come back during the day. Thanks.

You know. It's Broomhill. Ladies of a certain age. Mine Host might want to rename it The Itchy Pig Small Bottles Of Prosecco House. I'll come back during the day. Thanks.

Four on cask. But one was Spitfire. Two on craft keg. But one was Meantime. Good numbers (it's only a Micropub). Underwhelming range. But, even that didn't make me want to get a PermaTan & drink Prosecco. A lovely pint of Exit 33, Thirst Aid at 4%.

Nice place. I'll be back. During the day.

342/739
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