Blades AnAleyTicks

Millwall 2 v Sheffield United 3
The Championship
Saturday 29 September 2018

Sheffield United 3 v Preston North End 2
The Championship
Saturday 22 September 2018

Sheffield United 0 v Birmingham City 0
The Championship
Wednesday 9 September 2018

Yorkshire 184 all out
v Hampshire 79 for 5
close on Day 1
County Championship Division One
Tuesday 18 September 2018
Played at Headingley

SUFC 2018/19 Games 25, 26 & 27

Twitter @ball_sup
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Untappd ball_sup

Lots of people are at it now. At last. Numbers. Statistics. Expected this that other Models. One of my jobs before the Carrier Bag Firm became a profitable going concern involved me calculating the Inflation Price Index for Tristan da Cunha. A remote group of islands in the South Atlantic. You'll hear lots of rhetoric about how official statistics are fixed. Made up even. But, come on, you might not know me from Eve. But who would you really want to be in charge of Retail Price Indices for a South Atlantic Archipelago. Free choice. If ever a job was made for the Carrier Bag Firm, that is it. Hand. In. Glove.

I'm a numbers guy. Everyone's getting an angle. I need one. Welcome to the trial edition of Blades AnAleyTicks. Mate, you've been Punned.

Millwall away. A Saturday. I've looked at the expectations. I've looked at the reality. Poor performance that. Many of the worst aspects of our recent seasons.

The Plan. I collated the Scouting Reports. The maximum number of expected Breweries on the day was EIGHTEEN. Brockley Brewing Co was the last target. But, that closes at 9pm. So, that always looked unlikely. Fourpure Brewing Co is effectively under South Bermondsey station. Opens 11am to 8pm. Under normal circumstances that's very very doable. But, we had to run & re-run the model and check the parameters. Fucking 100% owned by Australian Beverage Bollocks Co, Lion. In turn owned by Kirin. Big. Fucking. Beer. We had 16 others to go at. Big Beer can go to the end of the list. File under - gratuitous pisstake sneer at them Brewery Tick.

That revised our xBT (expected Brewery Ticks) to SIXTEEN. Our actual, final total was a Piss Poor ELEVEN. Just 69% Completion Rate.

What went wrong. Team selection was partly to blame. Two bona fide Carrier Baggers. Plus Two Fellow Travellers on a One Match Trial. One FT can only drink pints. Doesn't like low abv beers. Doesn't like high abv beers. Really only likes dark beers. Finds hopped beers sour (FFS - Amateur Hour). He won't have Tasters. It's beneath him. His eyesight is too poor to read the Beer Blackboards. He can sometimes read pump clips if he gets four inches away from them & squints. And, he won't wear glasses.  So, he'll routinely end up with a beer he didn't ask for & he doesn't really like. He also has very poor BM (Bladder Management). On a run which will often involve portaloos or single, unisex traps.

Because this is a full on AnAleyTicks Blog, it helps to categorise events & personnel. He is a Fucking Liability.

How good was the Plan. Everyone has a plan, until they get punched in the mouth. (Quote attributed to Mike Tyson). The first punch was at Anspach & Hobday. The Scouting Report said open at 1030. The sign on the door said 1100. The locked shutters effectively confirmed that. We Recalibrated. The sign on the door at Southwark Brewing also said 1100. But, the second punch in the mouth came fast. Boooom. The staff arrived to open Southwark Brewing up. But, with a big bunch of apparently random keys. And a raft of locks, bolts, padlocks to keep the Bad South Londonarians out. They could not open the doors. (This Blog now pauses while I go for a lie down in a darkened room).

We were told The Florence in Herne Hill no longer had what you would call a recognisable Brew Kit. And. Nail. Coffin. I'd already ordered the beers in Brick Brewery, Peckham Rye before I had a quick shufty at the geography. A quick word with the bar person confirmed. It's not actually a Brewery. When you're Brewery Ticking, that's usually a requirement.

The Positives. Many. We were patient at times. Wait. Wait. Wait. Build again. Aaahhh. They've found the square key for the square lock at Southwark Brewing. And ….. we're in.

We adapted very well in running, as the ticking progressed. Shit. The Florence is not a Brewery any more. Don't worry, we hadn't realised Bullfinch was so close until we spoke to the Brewer at Clarkshaws. Nix The Florence. Hit Bullfinch.

We hit a wall at Gipsy Hill Brewing. That, plus Southey Brewing in Penge would have put us on THIRTEEN. It was already Too Late For Brockley (note to self - possible name for South London musical, something, something, something, Too Late For Brockley, the Songs Of Squeeze - needs work).

The Blackboards at Gipsy Hill were very difficult for any of us to read. I ordered Beatnik. That was off. The female bar person walked away to talk to someone at the end of the bar. The male bar person was engrossed with his phone. Maybe five feet away from me. No amount of “excuse mes” got me anywhere. I was Eleven Breweries in. The clock was ticking. He got the full - OY - treatment. Wouldn't serve us. We needed to wait for his female colleague. While he did Fuck All. I thought, well if he's getting his Social Media in order, so will I. I made to take a picture of the Beer Blackboards for Twitter, Instagram & Untappd. Both of them suddenly got the idea I was taking pictures of them. That should not be a problem anyway. It's 2018 Daddio. I thrust my phone at them offering them a look at the Gallery. Full of pictures of Beer Boards. Empty of pictures of them. They wouldn't have it. And we were asked to leave the broadly empty gaff. Without having a drink. I minced out like a good 'un.

Gipsy Hill can happily have the piss poor, unwelcoming Brewery Tap experience award. I will mention them in my acceptance speech at next year's Beer Geek Awards.

The Best Brewery Of The Day can go to Brew By Nos.

I'm not awarding an Outstanding Beer Of The Day. When you're plotting 18 Breweries, believe me abv matters. I'm awarding a Genre Of The Day & shouting out to all those superb low abv Pales & IPAs. No compromise on flavour.

The Kernel, Table Beer at 2.9%
Southwark Brewing Co, All Day Breakfast at 3.4%
Brew By Nos, 27 01 Double Dry Hopped Table Pale, Eldorado & Citra at 3.5%
Bianca Road, Long Play IPA at 3.6%
Canopy Beer Co, Love Walks Small at 2.9%
Bullfinch, Juno (Amarillo) at 2.8%

Looking at those abvs, it's a surprise we were so hammered that they wouldn't serve us in Gipsy Hill Brewing. (note - we weren't)

Let the record show. 18 in the plan. One off as wouldn't be reached in time. One off as now Big Industrial Chemical Plant Beer. One no longer brewing. One just a bar, not a Brewery. Two nixed in timetable shake up. One added opportunistically. Binned out of one (snigger). One just a Brewery too far.

The Kernel (off sales only - took the cap off & drank it walking to the next one - we are savages), Southwark Brewing, Anspach & Hobday, Brew By Nos, Bianca Road Brew Co, Affinity Brew Co, Spartan Brewery, Partizan Brewing, Clarkshaws Brewing, Canopy Beer Co, Bullfinch Brewery. The First XI.

722/1502